Image Issues

It's amazing how quickly I can go from feeling like the world's hottest studmuffin to thinking, "I'm an ugly little troll."

Over the holidays my brother got out a bunch of old home movies. Most of them were of his kids when they were little, but I would make brief appearances now and then. And I cringed every time I saw myself. I'd have a stupid haircut or an ugly crop of facial hair or be wearing dorky unflattering clothes.

And that was before I did something obnoxious like talk. I absolutely hate hearing my voice on video. I know-- everyone hates the sound of their own voice. It's because our voice sounds different inside our heads than it really sounds to the outside world. But I have objective reasons to hate my voice: people call me ma'am on the phone all the time. (When I tell people this in person, they don't believe me, because they don't think I sound like a woman at all. Go figure.)

So watching those videos made me feel as sexy as a toad. And I wonder if that's why K was not in love with me.

*****

SnarkEx used to call me "my sexy man." She usually said it when I was in my underwear. I don't know how sincere she was about that, though. She said it in the same tone I use to call my cat a "fierce and mighty hunter." Still, it was nice to be called sexy.

I remember one of my ex-girlfriends, on the first occasion that we got hot and heavy, telling me that she didn't want to go any further that night. "But I'm very attracted to you," she wanted to assure me. That was also nice to hear.

K used to say that I was "fine." It wasn't "fiiiiiine" as in, "Girl, that's a damn fine ass." It was more like "you'll do." Which was absolutely fine with me. Remember, she wasn't attracted to men, so "fine" was about the best I could hope for. It didn't seem to affect her enjoyment of me.

K also thought it was "cute" that she only weighed a little bit less than me. I was four inches taller than her, but only weighed about 10-15 pounds more. I'm not sure why she thought this was cute, but I'll take it.

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After I broke my clavicle a year and a half ago, I started doing push-ups to hide the fact that I'm permanently disfigured. A few months later I added sit-ups to the routine, and then leg thrusts, and then in the fall I started with exercises to strengthen my ankles. These exercises have become a welcome part of my daily routine, and I've noticed a difference. Add to that the 7-10 pounds that I lost after K dumped me, and my body looks better than it has in years.

So I was feeling pretty good about my body when I went on the cruise. I'd get in my bathing suit, stand in front of the mirror in my cabin, and admire myself. Then I went out among the people, to the hot tub, and felt like a troll again. Because other men were there, and although I looked great for me, I was still me.

I went back to my room alone and depressed. My body looks better than it has in years, and I don't have anyone to share it with. Harumph.

*****

When I got back from the cruise, I was eager to see all the pictures I'd taken. But the first time I opened them up on my computer, it was depressing. The first four days of pictures were just scenery, with the odd closeup of me trying to take a picture of myself in front of something. Since my divorce I've had lots of occasions to take those kinds of pictures. They reek of pathetic loneliness. I don't have any friends, so here's me taking my own picture. I'm usually concentrating so hard on getting the right picture that I have a furrowed brow. I look constipated.

The last night of the cruise I took my camera with me to the bar to get shots of all my new friends. I'm in a lot of those photos, but they're depressing for another reason. I was drunk, so either I have a stupid look on my face or I was groping one of the ladies, or I'm standing next to a normal sized man and look like... again... a troll. Seriously, seeing pictures of me next to men not in my family makes me feel like a miniature person.

*****

After my cruise I posted a picture on Facebook of me standing in front of some Mayan ruins. (I had asked one of my busmates to take my picture.) The shirt I'm wearing is a little tight, and my sister commented that I looked "burly." "Have you been working out?" She asked.

What a wonderful question. She had no idea how timely that comment was, considering how trollish I'd been feeling.

*****

The reality is somewhere between the troll and the studmuffin. No stranger ever looked at me and said, "I wanna piece of THAT!" But I don't think women recoil at me, either. About the best I get is "cute." Like a LOLcat. But with better captions.

Women don't fall in love with me because of my looks. I have lots of other great qualities, and that's why they love me. But sometimes it gets tiring always having to use my sparkling personality to get dates.