Cycles

Today I am 39 1/3 years old; thirty-nine and four months.

Four months ago today I woke up next to the woman I love. We had a busy but fun day. For the first time since the divorce I was happy to celebrate my birthday, and it was all because of her. A little more than a month later she dumped me.

But that's in the past. And looking to the future, I only have eight months left til the dreaded Four-Oh. I'm one third of the way there from birthday to birthday. Ugh. Talk about dread. Part of the reason why I'm feeling such panic to find a mate since K dumped me is that I'm terrified of hitting 40 and being single.

My biggest fear about being 40 is that it will put me in a completely new dating demographic. I can forget about dating grad students in their mid to late 20's. Which happens to be the largest source of single women in my town. No, once I hit 40--officially Middle Age-- I will have to change my expectations. Divorced women in their 40's with teenage kids will be my new dating pool. Not that there's anything wrong with them. Some of my favorite people are in that group. But it's not a demographic that I'm used to dating, and I don't identify with them as much.

Most of the new friends I've made since my divorce have been in their early 30's. It's uncanny how I meet someone and then find out they're 30 or 31. Those are the people whose lives most resemble my own. I keep thinking of myself as a young professional in his late 20's/early 30's. But once I hit 40, that attitude will be untenable. I need to start acting my age.

*****

I went through the same thing when I was 29. I hated being 29, mostly because, like now, I was afraid of my odometer turning over. I didn't mind being 29 per se, what I minded was feeling like I was not where I thought I should be at that age. When I imagined myself five years younger, as a 24-year-old, I was perfectly happy with my life. So then I just decided to be 24. Problem solved.

So now I guess I'd like to be 32. That would still put me within dating distance of all those older grad students and young professionals, and wouldn't make me feel like I'm too old to still be looking for the great love of my life.

Twenty-nine was also a tough year because I finished a useless master's degree, broke up with my live-in girlfriend (the only other girlfriend I've lived with besides SnarkEx), and moved to a new town for a job that didn't pan out. It was a year of transitions.

*****

But 29 wasn't nearly as bad as 19. The year I turned 19 was probably the worst of my life. (At least in the top two, along with the year I got divorced.) I lived on my own for the first time in a dingy little downtown apartment with a slanted floor. I was horribly lonely and depressed. A stripper/prostitute lived above me and a biker couple lived in the apartment behind me. They would get in screaming fights and the guy would storm out, screaming, "I'll see you in hell, bitch!!!"

I like to call that time in my life my Great Depression.

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Aside from the year when I was 9-- which I imagine was a pretty good year because at that point I still had a happy childhood-- I'm noticing a pattern here. My last year of a decade is usually a difficult time for me.

But I have to admit that, compared to 19 and 29, 39 hasn't been too bad. Yes, I'm going through heartbreak, but I have so many more tools to deal with it than I did before. And looking back, my 30's were pretty great. Probably my best decade so far. (My first decade was also great-- but since I didn't have sex, tennis, or blogging back then, the 30's wins out.)

I dated four different women in my 30's. Married one of them. Finally finished all my degrees. Got a full time professional job, which made me feel like I'd won the lottery. Bought my first new car, then bought my first house. Spent eight years with the Greatest Cat Ever. Fell in love with tennis. Expanded my knowledge of the world. Had a lot of great sex. And although I've had my share of health problems in my 30's, I appear to be in great shape and cultivating healthy habits as the decades comes to an end.

So why am I afraid of my 40's? If the trend continues, my 40's should be even better than my 30's, which were better than my 20's, which were better than my teens.

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I'm getting older, my body is breaking down, the bald spot on the back of my head is getting bigger, and I have to start acting my age.

But at least I'm not 49. I'm sure when I'm 49, I will look at my body and then back at my 39-year-old self and think, "Man, he had no idea how good he had it."

So today I'll look to my 49-year-old self and say, "At least I'm not YOU."