EAP! EAP!

Our college belongs to an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), where you can go and get therapy to help you when you hit "a rocky place in the road" (according to the brochure.) Maybe the more economical phrase "rocky road" sounds too much like an ice cream flavor to them.

Our college only offers ten EAP sessions a year for free, and after that maybe they refer you or you start paying or something. It's not ideal, because the EAP is only offered in the small town where the college is, and not in the larger university town where I live. But many people have been urging me to take advantage of it, and if a divorce isn't a good enough reason, then what is?

So I called them last week and made an appointment for next week. I thought all was well until I got a call at work yesterday.

Woman: "Hi, I'm looking for Mr. Snarkbutt."

Me: "Yes, this is Mr. Snarkbutt."

Long pause. Then a laugh. "Oh, you're Mr. Snarkbutt?" Another pause. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were Mr. Snarkbutt." [She thinks I'm a woman. I sound like a woman on the phone and get called ma'am half the time. Sometimes I can be patient and understanding about this, but yesterday I was in no mood.]

Me: "Well, I am."

Her: "Okay, I'm Nancy from the wah-wah-wah-"

I thought she was a vendor trying to sell me something , so I interrupted her, "I'm sorry, who are you with?"

Her: "The EAP, Employee Assistance Program." Oh, okay. "The counselors asked me to get some more information before you come in, Hon. Who am I talking to now?"

Me: "Mr. Snarkbutt." I thought we'd already established that. And don't call me "Hon." You're not a diner waitress topping off my coffee and offering me a slice of pie. You're working at a mental health facility where people expect professionalism and discretion.

Her: "And who is the appointment for?"

Me: "It's for me, Mr. Snarkbutt." I suspect they need to know this for gender reasons. She probably assumed, when I first made the appointment, that I was a woman, and thought I said "Snarkette" instead of "Snarkbutt." But now they needed to verify my gender.

Her: "Okay, and could we get your zip code?" I give it to her.

Her: "And could you let me know what the reason for your visit is?"

Me: "Um, could I talk about that when I show up there? I'm at work right now."

Her: "Okay, how about I put down 'personal problem'?"

Me: "Okay, that's fine. Thanks."

I don't know why she needed to know my "reason for visit" over the phone. And "personal problem"? Doesn't that describe every single client they have? Who comes to EAP with a "public problem"?

So far, I'm underwhelmed by EAP's operations.