For some reason I've been itching for a fight this week. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe I've caught the case of the Winter blahs that seems to be going around. Everyone is feeling grumpy or agitated. When I got up this morning it was -4 outside my house. On the drive to work it got down to -8. The high today is supposed to be 11.
I think about conversations I have had, or future conversations I might have, and I get angry. Like trying to explain to a happily married couple what it's like to be single. Them not getting the profound difference between their relationship to each other and every other person in the world. So I script future conversations in my head.
I'm having lots of angry moments toward K. Since the detox started, I've hidden her posts from my Facebook page, and I haven't visited her profile once. But this week Facebook tried to show me some pictures from her albums (in the photo column to the right.) I didn't want to see even these small thumbnails. I don't want to know what's going on in her life. I'm afraid of it.
I'm not looking forward to getting back in contact with her. When we started the detox, she suggested that we pick a day, like tax day (April 15), to get back in touch. I told her I'd let her pick the day and let her do the contacting, since I couldn't focus on that. But now that date seems too soon. I'm afraid to hear she's been happy and single this whole time. I'm afraid that she won't have missed me or what we had together. I'm afraid she won't want me back. I'm afraid she'll be dating someone else. Having sex with someone else. Falling in love with someone else. What if I was just the practice relationship?
As my imagination runs wild with likely and unlikely scenarios, I script out angry conversations in my head. (Which is ironic, because we never had angry conversations when we dated. We hardly ever fought. It was one of the most peaceful relationships I've ever had. ) And I get all worked up. I'm clearly not ready to be friends with her yet.
Which is one of the things I get angry about. Does she want to be friends? Why? Doesn't she miss the intimacy? Doesn't she realize that most of our "friendship" was based on affection? I'm not going to pay her the same kind of attention if she's just a friend. And she won't have any right to get jealous of the women I date. (Like she did before we started dating.) In fact, that will make me angry, too. She could have had me. She DID have me. She could have me again. Her jealousy would just piss me off.
Which brings up another pretend conversation I plan to have with her. I fantasize about her wanting me back. It's in the back of my mind so much it's almost become an expectation, which I know is very dangerous. I won't take her back. At least not "back" in the sense of going back to the way things were. I'm not going to be in a relationship with her again where she has one foot out the door and I'm always nervous she's about to leave. But if she wants to take things forward and commit to me in good faith that I'm the person she wants indefinitely, I have all the love in the world for her.
It's a pretty stupid exercise. Even if we were to get back together, it's not going to go according to some script. And it won't happen while I'm sitting here fixating on it. I need to go out and find a replacement. Get her out of my head.
I need to stop having all these angry pretend conversations. I need to stop fixating on what she's doing. She has no business controlling my emotions anymore. We're broken up. Besides, it's not even her who's doing it, but my imagination of her.
So we're almost halfway through our detox, and it's not looking likely that I'll have her out of my system by the time it ends. Five months isn't nearly enough time. Maybe five years is more like it. She needs to go off and have lots of adventures, gain more experience and realize how great we really were together. I need to have lots of adventures too, so maybe I can find someone who matches me even better than her. I can't do that if I'm having pretend arguments with her in my head.
Peace At Any Price
1 year ago
10 comments:
For what it's worth, I can relate to having 'pretend angry conversations' with people. I've had some pretty awful experiences in the last few years with people that I've believed to be friends. They're no longer in my life, but I still have angry conversations with them in my head from time to time.
The thing is, though, by doing this, you're allowing the other person to continue to control your life. For me, that is one of my biggest motivations to try my hardest to stop doing it.
Then again, sometimes those pretend conversations are necessary to have so they don't become real ones, y'know?
Hang in there,friend.
*hugs*
I've done it too, just like Sunshine. Maybe we all have? At least us overthinkers?
In fact, I am doing it now with about five different people, damn it!
I don't know what it is about this week that has all of pissed off. And those temperatures you are talking about are headed my way for this weekend (after the damn snow of course). Maybe thats it. We are all buried and cold.
I think you are right to not try and force a friendship with her too soon. If tax day comes around, and you still aren't ready, go with whats right for you.
I think having that date hanging out there is what's messing with your head. It's a seed of hope that's driving you crazy. Like you told me, better to keep moving forward. And maybe scratch the future date and hope of future conversations with her...? May be time to join me on the online dating sites! LOL
I'm beginning to think that, by nature, bloggers are a bit over-analytical. Don't beat yourself up.
And...give yourself time. It's still a way out. Who knows where you'll be when you get there? Just live.
I have pretend convos ALL the time...just had one in fact. Maybe we're all just nuts together, huh? ;-) In all seriousness, I think you are fair in having some anger still. Totally normal. I just think by the time April 15 comes, you will be so over her. And that will be the closure you need.
Snark,
I know EXACTLY the way you're feeling. My current blog is an offshoot of the one I started in the summer when I was having an affair with an ex-boyfriend from over 20 years ago. My marriage was already over, but his was not. After a 3 month cyber affair and two rendezvous, he cut off contact with me and stopped texting or replying to me.
I did not unfriend him on FB for the longest time. I wanted him to make things right. I knew the relationship could never be, but he didn't need to end it this way after pleading with me that he'd treated me so bad 20 years ago and that he was sorry, and I absolved him. How could he be so terrible to me now?
It took a long time of going through those weeks of saying I wouldn't look at his FB. But sometimes I'd sneak a peek. It got increasingly painful when he'd post pics of his family and such. finally, I got the courage to do it, and I haven't looked back since.
But it is your own personal road you have to take to get to that point. I'm sure you realize that what is best for you is to cut that contact (unfriend her on FB), but you have to do it in your own good time.
Somewhere out there is a girl who is worthy of your love and affections. But you have to look forward to find her. It is harder with one hand still clinging to the past.
My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel.
I am not happy about your misery but your post came at a really important time. I'm sitting here crying over the one who didn't want me because the rejection makes me feel so terrible. He could have had me. He DID have me. Why didn't he appreciate it? Why did he sometimes allude that I was the most amazing woman he's ever known, and then throw it all away? Why did I let myself fall for him? How am I ever going to get over it?
I don't know any of the answers. However, I needed to feel less alone today, and your blog did that. Thankyou.
I do believe we ALL have these conversations, Snark. I think we all hold back in real life (especially us bloggers who save it all for the blog). But I also agree with Sunshine that you are allowing her to control your life and your emotions. I think you know this. I think that's why you're angry.
This is a good thing. This is part of those "stages of grief". I'm sad to say that she may be in another relationship. Or quite possibly seeking something very opposite than what you provided for her. She may simply feel the need to see if something else fits her. We don't always choose the "easy" relationships, unfortunately. We feel there has to be some sort of challenge or puzzle to fix.
She'll get over that too.
You can't wait for it. You have to let go. You have to decide you're worth more.
That probably didn't help you at all but...
How bout a HUG instead?
Interesting.
Yes we do have these 'pretend conversations' all the time. I think they derive from out sub-conscious and a deep desire to be right about something. In a way you'll probably discover new things about yourself too.
Good luck.
percy
I've done it too. I have pretend conversations about good stuff as well as bad stuff. It's pretty much how I fall asleep at night. I'm so weird. I also write angry emails that I never send. Have you tried that yet? I'm sorry you're still so upset over K. Maybe the tax day meeting isn't such a great idea after all.
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