Possibilities

One strategy that people like to employ after a breakup is to embrace all the things you can do as a single person that you couldn't do in a relationship. When my brother and his wife were having trouble getting pregnant, they would console themselves by doing all those things they knew they couldn't do once they had kids. "You should flaunt it," my sister-in-law says whenever I'm single.

It makes sense. But this strategy doesn't seem to work for me. Maybe I've been spoiled in my relationships, but a lot of the things that other people cite as advantages to being single don't apply to me. I rarely felt like I couldn't do what I wanted, or had to do things I didn't want to, when I was in a relationship. And the small amount of things I'd really like to do as a single person aren't really options for me. (i.e. sex with whomever I want.)

I think the biggest advantage to being single is all the different possibilities it offers. On those occasions when I'm feeling optimistic or hopeful or confident, I can imagine all the different possible ways my future might unfold. Who will my next partner be? How will we meet? What's the next chapter in the Snarkbutt story? The future is wide open.

Maybe I went overboard yesterday with my whole "I'll never be happy outside a relationship" screed. I don't mean to keep belaboring this point. I'm sure there are, in theory, lots of great advantages to being single. But in practice it never quite works out for me.

For example, I had this great idea of going on a singles cruise over the holidays. I was worried about having too much free time during the semester break and I needed a diversion. I've never been on a cruise before and always wanted to go on one. A singles cruise would, theoretically, hook me up with a lot of people in the same "boat" as me. The more I talked to people about it, the more excited I got. This could be fun, I thought.

Then I investigated options. The "singles" cruises were obscenely expensive. Like, 2-4 times more expensive than generic ones. And the available dates didn't work with my schedule, especially if I wanted to be around for Snarkfamily xmas. So it turned out there was only one "singles" cruise during the available dates, and when I called, they said it was all booked. (Then they proceeded to quote me some outrageous prices. If it's booked, then what are you quoting me?)

My point is, when the cruise was just a possibility, it was exciting. Once I found out how limited my options really were, it was discouraging. The possibilities were really just illusions.

This is why I'm hesitant to try online dating. I figure at some point I'll give it a try again, but for now I'd rather just leave it as a possibility. I know that once I try, I'll see how limited my options really are. It's always meager pickings for someone like me. I reply to five profiles only to get one response, which is a rejection.

I'll keep investigating vacation options for the winter break. Maybe I could take just a regular generic cruise and hope I'm not blowing a few grand on a week feeling isolated among strangers. Maybe I could take a different kind of singles vacation. I won't necessarily let this stop me, but it is a setback.

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Speaking of possibilities, Mystery Girl came back into the library yesterday. It had been two weeks since we last interacted and I'd pretty much forgotten about her. She chose a computer real close to my desk, and like last time, I was getting vibes. She kept looking at me. After several agonizing minutes, I finally worked up the courage to start a conversation. I pretended to be straightening up something at a computer near her and asked her how she was doing.

I could recount here the entirety of the two or three conversations we had while she sat there and worked on the computer, but I'm trying to avoid being a 14-year-old girl who dissects every minute detail of a 3-minute conversation. I got to know her a tiny bit more. I now know that she's from California, hates the winter coldness (like me!) and that she has a two-year-old son (which I suspected from seeing her pregnant a few years ago.) I still don't know if she has a significant other in the picture. There's no wedding ring, but that doesn't mean anything.

I could be totally misreading the whole situation. It woudn't be the first time I'd misread a woman. I still can't decide if it's creepy to pursue anything with a student who's probably 15+ years younger than me and probably has very little in common with me. But I do know that I'd like to keep her warm during this frigid winter.

The possibilities are exciting.