It's Saturday night, I'm going out in an hour to get some drinks with friends (yay!) but I can't decide what to do with myself until then. This is the first day of my three-week vacation, which is awesome, but my problem since my divorce has been too much free time, so a vacation like this makes me a little nervous. I have tons of stuff I want to get done, and then there's the cruise (woo-hoo!), but I also have these little pockets of time when I'm uneasy.
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Once when SnarkEx and I were married, we went for a walk and all I could do was think about the computer game I was playing. It colonized my brain and all I wanted to do was to get back home and play it. I made the mistake of telling SnarkEx this. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, I was actually telling her that I wish I wasn't so obsessed with the game. But she took it to mean I didn't want to go walking with her. (Going on walks is traditionally one of my favorite thing to do with people.)
I've noticed in the past year a serious change in my priorities. When I was with SnarkEx, so much of my life felt like a chore. We'd go shopping or make dinner or go to some event she wanted to attend, and I'd just try to race through it so I could get to the fun stuff. I actually used to say to her when we'd park at a store, "Surgical strike!" Meaning: let's get in there and get out as quick as possible.
Now, though, things like watching TV or playing computer games don't have the hold on me that they used to. I'm actually kind of bored with them. I still do them, but they're more like a last resort, something I do when there's nothing else going on. I no longer choose them instead of being social. They don't colonize my brain like before.
Instead, I really enjoy things like shopping for groceries, cooking, shoveling snow, even doing dishes. (Granted, there are a whole lot less dishes now that I have a dishwasher. It was all those goddam individual utensils that drove me nuts!) I don't rush through these things anymore, because they are activities in their own right.
So here's the real question: Have I really changed my priorities, or do I just feel differently now that I live alone and have so much more time to myself? Am I really ready to grow up and enter a new phase of my life? Or is this just what I'm like under these circumstances? If I got married again tomorrow, would I go back to my old ways?
In short, have I really improved? There's no way to answer that until I'm in another marriage-like relationship.
Peace At Any Price
1 year ago
4 comments:
We all change Mr SB. I know I have!
I think you have changed...it's called evolution and you're living it! I don't even think you have to get into another marriage-like relationship to know whether you have. I think you'll realize it before then. Just my two cents anyway ;)
I think you've changed too. Once you're in a relationship again, I think you'll have the two different perspectives. You'll most likely choose the one that makes you a better person to be in a relationship with. But it's funny, isn't it? I did the same thing in my relationship with Bear. When I was with him, I desperately wanted to be watching my favorite TV shows (he wouldn't watch them). Now that I'm alone, they've started to bore me. Go figure.
Wow, neat post. Maybe after actually meeting and falling in love with K, your priorities have changed for the better - that it's so much better to create memories with a real person instead of a video game! Maybe K came into your life to show you what love SHOULD be like. You're emotionally set and prepared for your next big relationship. Exciting.
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