Momentum

Sometimes it feels like I live a completely different life than everyone around me. Like I'm playing by different rules or observing different social norms. Like I'm a robot or alien or someone who just doesn't belong here.

This thought is brought to you by online dating, where all manner of behavior exists. Where you can greet someone and they just flat out ignore you. Or you're in the middle of a conversation and they just disappear.

Or the conversation is so random and stalled that it has the same rhythm as a Youtube video that keeps stopping because it has to load. You only get short snippets at a time. As you can imagine, it's hard to get any kind of momentum going in that environment.

I'm the type of person who needs momentum. All this starting and stopping, starting and stopping, is not good for me. It's not how I interact with people. Or it's not how I prefer to interact with people, anyway.

And it's not just with dating that I experience this lack of momentum. Even among my friendships, it's hard to build up a head of steam. I might go out with an acquaintance or new friend and we'll have a great time, but then due to schedules, lethargy, and lack of initiative, it will be a month before we have any contact again. By then whatever connection we had will have lost momentum.

This is why being single doesn't work for me. Why I need someone primary in my life. I need someone who I can gain some momentum with. This lifestyle doesn't meet my needs.

*****

Despite that, I had two attitude tweaks this weekend that might lead to a New and Improved Snark.

The first is this: much of my discomfort at being single stems from the fear that I'll never find another partner. My biggest fear is that I'll be alone the rest of my life. But. If I knew-- 100% knew for sure-- that this state is not permanent and that one day I will Find Love again, then, yeah, I might be able to just enjoy this time to myself. I might be able to embrace my singlehood.

So, why not just assume it? Whether or not it's true, if I can improve the quality of my life and attitude merely by believing something, why not just believe it? And it's not like I'm deluding myself by believing something that's ridiculous. Like, that I'll never die or that I have the largest penis in the world. It's something that, objectively speaking, probably will happen. So why not just assume it will, and make myself a whole lot more comfortable?

The second insight is this. I've been complaining a lot lately that I haven't made much progress on my writing projects. Well, if I were to start dating someone, those projects might really stall, especially my loveography in fairy tale form. It will be a whole lot harder to write about my Quest for Love once I'm in a happy relationship.

So maybe I'm single for a reason. This is supposed to be the period in my life when I'm creative and write.

*****

After a day and a half with this new attitude, online dating already threatens to interrupt my writing momentum. A new player has entered the scene. Someone local and cute and very, very funny. Even funnier than K was, based on the one message she sent me.

We'll see if we can get any momentum going.