The Worst Time of the Year

This weather takes a lot out of me. Library instruction takes a lot out of me. Arranging my social life takes lot out of me.

This time of year, with all the things taking stuff out of me, I have hardly anything left.

Of the two busy seasons I have every year, this one is exacerbated by the weather. I've had two 12-hour days at work this week, with the added bonus of driving home through snow an hour in the dark. I've stood up in front of six classes, which is always exhausting. In the past two weeks we've only had one sunny day. It's nine degrees out. I have no social plans for the weekend.

Last night at tennis I had no energy. The tennis center was freezing, I'd had a long week, and I just couldn't work up any enthusiasm. I left half an hour before the end of the workout. I felt like I didn't get any workout at all, although I must have done something in the hour and a half I was there.

I came home to an empty house and thought, I don't want to live alone anymore. I was tired, cold, and lonely.

But I'm cutting myself some slack, because I recognize that this is the worst time of the year. Even before I started my job, with a busy season falling in January/February, I always felt like February was the most depressing month. Combine that with my epiphany last year, that I really hate winter, and it makes for a rough time during these months. It may not be a coincidence that my marriage started going to hell during this time of year.

Last winter I started having some weird medical ailments. It started with a pain in my abdomen, and then moved down to my groin, and then up to my jaw. Three specialists (and an MRI) couldn't find the problem, so I decided it was nothing serious and eventually the pains went away.

Lately I've noticed the abdomen pain is back. And I seem to be clenching my jaw a lot. I wonder if the pains from last year were all the result of the stress that winter puts on my body. All the clenching and puckering and seizing up my body does when it's attacked by the frigid cold. If my theory is correct, that's another reason to hate this time of year.

Last weekend was full of social plans. I went out both Friday and Saturday night, drank beer and saw a movie, played tennis twice, watched a football game with my brother, and ended the weekend with a two-and-a-half-hour phone call with my morethanfriend. It was a good weekend, but I didn't have much downtime. This weekend I don't have much going on, and I'm debating whether I want to make attempts to do stuff with people or just hunker down with the cats and catch up on my TiVo and Netflix. I have plenty of house projects to keep me busy, but I fear that I may get lonely or loserish staying home alone all weekend.

At breakfast this morning I was contemplating the alone attack I'd had last night, and whether I'm really tired of living alone or whether I was just in a pissy mood. It all comes down to this recurring problem: I'm tired of feeling like I need other people more than they need me. I want to have a social life without having to cultivate it. Because this time of year I have no energy for that.

Then AuxiliaryKitty jumped up on my lap. She hardly ever does this during breakfast time, so she must be feeling the cold weather and my frequent absences from the house. As she rubbed up against me, I thought about her presence in my life. I got her right before I met SnarkEx, in Summer 2003. She was just a kitten then, and has grown up with me. I'm the one human in the world that she trusts. (SnarkEx was jealous of that.) She really needs me. And that's a nice feeling during this sucky season.

Inner Extrovert

The question that's been on my mind a lot lately is to what extent I'm an introvert/extrovert. I used to think I was an introvert based on the fact that I seem to need alone time to recharge.

But a comment on my blog by INRIS last month made me rethink that assessment. I clearly have a need to process things out by talking about them. That would seem to make me an extrovert. It's true that whenever something interesting happens in my life, or when I have a crisis, my impulse is to reach out to people-- to tell someone about it. Sometimes, while I'm in the middle of some interesting experience, I'm already rehearsing in my mind how I will tell the story to others. Events don't feel real to me until I've told someone about them.

So what does that make me? Introvert? Extrovert? A bi-trovert? I'm not really sure why it matters whether I call myself introverted or extroverted. What would I do with the information, anyway?

Either way, I'm definitely a per-vert. (Joke courtesy of INRIS.)

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I've been examining this question in the context of my relationship with K. We live 700 miles apart and we're trying to figure out a level of contact that we're both comfortable with. The current trend is this:

• One live, face-to-face weekend every 4-6 weeks.
• One long phone call (about 2-4 hours) every weekend.
• Two or three long emails (each) per week.
• Almost daily comments on each other's Facebook pages.
  

I think she's happy with this arrangement. But how does my inner extrovert feel about it?

I would probably be happier with more spontaneous phone calls throughout the week and more frequent visits. But no two people ever get exactly what they want in a relationship, and I think I'm particularly suited for this arrangement. After all, I'm a little brother, so I'm used to not getting all the attention I want.

I also consider myself a loner. I don't like to join groups. I hate crowds. As I get older, I get less and less patient being around my entire family at one time. By necessity, I've learned how to entertain myself, and now there are times when I just want to be left alone to do that. I've gotten used to my own space and my own routines. Even when I was married, whenever SnarkEx would go out of town for a few days, I would look forward to getting some time at home to myself. So it's possible that, if K and I had more frequent contact, I would need more of my own space. There's a delicate balance.

Still, there's that inner extrovert, the one who has to tell people about everyday stuff, lurking within me. In the past (almost) two years that I've lived alone, I've learned to mostly suppress him. But he's been showing himself lately as K becomes more primary in my life. And that's scary.

The hardest times, so far, have been right after I visit K. It's difficult for me to transition from three days of constant contact back to the occasional email or phone call. I keep thinking of everyday things I want to tell her. But after a day or two I'm usually back to normal, and my inner extrovert goes back into his cage. And fights with my outer introvert.

Marriage Advice

On the verge of the two-year anniversary of my marriage going all to hell, I have a few odds and ends about marriage to share.

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First, I was catching up on my favorite advice columnist, Dan Savage, this week and I came across two great quotes:

A successful marriage is basically an endless cycle of wrongs committed, apologies offered, and forgiveness granted.... all leavened by the occasional orgasm.

and

The odds that any one of us will wind up with a partner whose sexual interests align perfectly with our own are essentially zero.

Well said, Dan.

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Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote Eat, Pray, Love, the divorce book that I was obsessed with last year, has come out with a new book. Her new title? Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage.

At my library, I'm responsible for ordering bestsellers, a small collection of leisure-reading that don't necessarily support to the curriculum of the college. In the latest batch of orders, I realized (after the fact) that I had ordered three separate books on marriage: 1.) The Gilbert book, 2.) a memoir titled Marriage and Other Acts of Charity by Kate Braestrup, and 3.) a self-help guide called Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (Lori Gottlieb.)

The first two books just came in today. I can't wait to start reading them.

Single With Benefits

The MLK weekend with K was fantastic.

Mostly.

There were a few tense moments when we tried to define our relationship and figure out where we were going, but once we ignored that we were able to enjoy each other's company. We enjoyed the hell out of each other's company!

We're definitely dating, but beyond that we're not making any commitments. In fact, it feels like we've taken a step back in the uneven progression from friends to lovers. We've decided to not be exclusive, which is mainly just a nominal designation, since neither of us has any prospects to date anyone else. Paradoxically, I think that sometimes the freedom to date other people, even if you don't exercise it, can bring you closer together.

At any rate, remember my plan to be happy and single? Last year? Just before I contacted K, who I thought would be a good example of a happy single person for me to follow? Then I fell for her? And then she sorta kinda fell for me?

So why can't I just continue to cultivate that happy single life that I was looking for before? My morethanfriend is 700 miles away and we see each other, at best, once a month. Practically speaking, for 95% of the time, I am single. Why not embrace that as my real life, and enjoy the odd weekend/cuddlefest with K?

We've taken a step back, but we feel closer than ever. It's a zen thing.

2009: Doctors and Dates

2009 was the year of Doctors, Dates, and Getting Over my Divorce.

New Experiences & People From 2009:

• The first death of someone very close to me: I had to put down SnarKitty, who I'd known for nine years. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
  
• Finally asked out TennisGirl, who I'd had a crush on for years.
• Read, and blogged about, a great book: Eat, Pray, Love
• Went on antidepressants. Went off them almost immediately.
  
• Attended a home buying seminar. Made a new friend, Homebuyer.
  
• Met TGTBT (Too Good To Be True), who eventually turned into AG (AwesomeGirlfriend)
• Had three weird new unexplained medical problems-- saw three specialists but none of them could figure it out
• "Met" some other divorce/breakup bloggers: Jolene and ArrogantAss. (And later, Mel and ItNeverRains...)
  
• Got back in touch with K when she friended me on Facebook. Was not a huge event at the time, but would turn out to be important.
  
• Adopted a new cat to replace SnarKitty, and to give AuxiliaryKitty a playmate. He's been a wonderful addition to the family, but he doesn't have a nickname on this blog yet.
  
• Got kicked out of my apartment. Started the frantic search for a new house.
• Learned Russian & Cyrillic.
  
• Thanks to a bacterial infection, was mired down in Acne Wars. It took several months to eradicate it completely.
  
• Visited in AG in NY/NJ. Saw my first broadway show (Avenue Q.)
• After looking at about 25 candidates, made an offer on a house.
  
• Bought a house!!!
  
• Broke up with AG, ending my first post-divorce relationship. For first time in my life, wanted to be single.
• Moved into my house.
• Got a really bad (stress?) rash. (Another unprecedented medical problem.)
  
• Broke my clavicle.
• Had my first housewarming party.
• Dropped one of my oldest and dearest friends, who I felt was taking me for granted. Seemed to be the right move, since he still has not made an effort to contact me.
• Saw my best friend from 4th grade after about 23 years. (After we had friended each other on FB.)
• Met an anonymous penpal. Intense correspondence lasted a few months and then died out.
  
• Practiced broken-clavicle-enforced celibacy.
• Attended a Fur Ball on my birthday.
• Joined a new church. Met lots of new people through that.
  
• Started corresponding with an old friend (K) from grad school. Became great friends.
  
• Asked out a girl (Dimple) who I sort of met in a bar.
• Started texting regularly on my phone.
• Tried a new hair style.
• Fell in love with a lesbian.
• Dated three different women over the course of a month.
• Had very intense one-week online relationship with a future librarian.
  
• Professed my huge crush on a lesbian. Made her blush.
  
• Got over my divorce.
  
• Did 1,000 push-ups.
• Took a plane, train, and taxi all in one day.
  
• Stayed overnight in a ski resort town in Colorado.
  
• Went skiing for the first time since junior high.
  
• Talked to my "morethanfriend" on the phone, from 2,000 miles away, at midnight on New Year's Eve.

Whew! I'm exhausted just writing out that list. How did I do all that stuff? And I'm sure there's tons that I forgot.

It was quite a year.

It Is What It Is

I've spent lots of time and energy trying to define what it is that's going on between K and me. She's my morethanfriend. I'm her sorta maybe almost significant other. We're tentatively dating. None of the labels fit exactly. Even if we say we're dating, that doesn't really give the whole picture. Here are the undisputed facts:

• Since October 23, we've written 97 emails to each other.
• We've spent at least ten hours (conservative estimate) on the phone in the past six weeks.
  
• I spent three days with her last month. We did many things that morethanfriends do. (But not everything.) I stayed at her place for four nights, but only on the first night did I sleep on the couch.
• She said she planned to visit me in February.
• She has told many of her family and friends that we are tentatively dating.
  
• She called me at midnight on New Year's Eve.
  
• I have plane tickets to visit her again this weekend.
  
• We talked on the phone for four hours on Saturday.
  
• At the end of our conversation, she said, "We talked for four hours, we must be dating."
  

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Although most people are happy and optimistic for me, some have objections to this relationship.

I blame myself. When I first started writing about her, back in October, I mentioned that I was attracted to her, but she was a lesbian. That's how she identified herself, anyway. After she visited me and I realized how awesome she was, it was fun to say, "I'm in love with a lesbian!" It's a great headline (and even has the alliteration with the L-sound.) At the time, I had no idea things would go this far.

But my fun headline oversimplified the issue, and I think it reinforced the idea of her as a label rather than a human being with complicated wants and desires. As I've said before, I don't discuss her personal private issues on this blog. So I'll just say there's more to the story than what I present here.

I want to respond to the objections and advice I've been hearing. Some of it, I think, is patently ludicrous, like I should end things with her right now, because it will be too hard to end things later. By that logic, I should probably get rid of my cats, too, because they're going to die someday and that will break my heart.

It's also incredibly disingenuous to work actively to try to break up this thing, and then add, "But no one will be happier for you if it works out!"

I don't know how many times I can emphasize this point, but let me be obnoxious and put it in ALL-CAPS:

1. I RECOGNIZE THE RISK
2. I WILL NOT LIVE MY LIFE IN FEAR
3. THE POSSIBLE REWARD IS WORTH THE RISK

Point #1: EVERY relationship involves risk. Even if I were dating a straight girl in my town who wanted my penis six times a day, there's no guarantee that we wouldn't get tired of each other after a few months. Let's face it, most relationships don't work out.

Ironically, because this relationship is so unusual, we have been hyper aware of what we are doing and all the challenges involved. We've talked and talked and talked and talked about "us"-- more than any relationship I've ever been in. It's actually been a good way to keep me guarded and cautious-- much more guarded than in a "normal" relationship.

Point #2: What's the worst that could happen here? I get my heart broken? Again? It's not like I've never been through this before. I know the drill. I've survived heartbreak before. Odds are good that I'll go through it again. It's a part of life.

Point #3: If you think I'm the type of person who will stay in an unhappy relationship, then you really don't know me very well, or haven't been paying attention to my dating history. GF1, GF2, GF3, and AG. All relationships that I left because I was not happy. If anything, you should be worried about me breaking her heart.

In fact, one of the things that has comforted me during this whole episode is the thought that if things get too much for me, I can end it. I have that choice. I don't want to, but if need be, I could end it and move on. It's what I do.

Point #4: At this stage, if things don't work out, a broken heart is inevitable. I'm too far into it to avoid that. So trying to protect me from getting hurt is a moot point, like trying to protect a kid in a pool from getting wet. Unless you have a time machine. And in that case, could you take me back to when I was 20 and clueless about women? There are a few episodes I'd like to do over.

Point #5: Why is everyone so worried about my sex life? At this point there are still too many question marks to assume that life with K means life without sex. Frankly, I've been surprised and elated that things have gone as well as they have, so far. Beyond that, no one knows what will happen. But please, let me decide what I'm satisfied with. You've never had sex with me-- so stop assuming you know what makes me happy. And if I ever get to the point that it's not worth it, I will end it. (See Point #3.)

Ironically, people who go on and on about how I can't be happy in a sexless relationship never seem to worry about it when I'm single. I've been single as an adult for many frequent and long periods of time. Five years... a year... two years... 15 months... I'm like a sex camel. I've learned to take care of myself. And yet, I never hear people worry that I'm not getting enough sex when I'm single. But try to date one lesbian, and suddenly everyone's concerned about me getting laid!

Point #6: I am a thinker and doubter. It's probably not a good idea that I put all my thoughts out there on the web like this. People with different temperaments than me read these things and think that what I'm feeling at any given moment is written in stone, never to change. My thoughtful, intense, and dramatic nature is interpreted as I don't know what I'm doing. And then they use it against me.

Most advice is people projecting their own expectations and experiences onto someone else. Much of the time, it's valuable to get a different perspective. But I get annoyed when I feel like someone doesn't understand me or what it is I want, and gives me advice based on misguided assumptions.

You see red flags all over the place. I see a great person that I want to spend more time with.

It is what it is.