Beautiful Day, Lonely Night

Today was a beautiful day; sunny and in the 80s. I played tennis this morning and took an afternoon nap in front of the TV, with the windows open and both cats laying on top of me. I've been waiting for this kind of weather for months, and I love it.

But I've also been in a funk. There were no frozen treats in the house. The wife and I used to walk over to the ice cream place on days like this. It was one of the things I loved about summer. Now I have no ice cream partner any more. No one to go on walks with. I don't know why this is hitting me now, but I'm feeling alone, even though I've had plenty of social time over the past few days. I even went to my brother's tonight for dinner and was around people. But I left early because I didn't feel like being social. I wanted to be with someone without having to be social. That's one of the perks of being married.

Two of the things on my list during my vacation is to apply for a local job and put an ad up on some dating websites. As for the job, I'm not sure I'm qualified for it, or that I even want it, but I feel I should apply because it's in town and I wouldn't have to commute 100 miles a day. Also, it would help me meet more local people, which is what I need since the wife left. But I've felt as good as useless in my job lately, and it's hard to apply for a job when I feel so professionally uninspired.

I'm procrastinating about the online dating thing, too, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it means I'm not ready to date yet, even though I keep wishing I could. Maybe I'm afraid of online dating since my last two relationships happened that way, and both of them failed. I'm also afraid that I'm just too old to attract the women I find on those sites. I used to look at pictures of myself and think, "Wow, I'm such a catch." I used to feel clever and inspired when I wrote my ads. Now I don't feel that way. I guess getting dumped by my wife has been a huge blow to my confidence.

The Penultimate End

It seems there is always a new stage of our relationship being over. First there was the wife moving out, then there was her saying she's not coming back, then she moved the last of her stuff out of the apartment.

Today we met to execute the Marital Settlement Agreement, which means we divided up our 'assets,' which means I paid a large amount of money (several thousand dollars) into my wife's account and took her name off of all of my financial accounts. I also signed over the title to the car she gets in the divorce. This was the penultimate (fancy word meaning "second to last") ending to our marriage. The last thing left to do is the wife will go before a judge and get a legal marriage dissolution. That will happen in September, after we've been separated six months.

The wife tried to be chatty with me when we met at the bank, but I wouldn't have any of it. I'm still angry, but it's more of a muted, depressed, resigned anger. I just don't feel like being chatty with her. She told me that I "looked good," which is the cliched line that people are supposed to say to their ex when they run into them on the street. I said, "Well, I shaved this morning." I didn't return the compliment.

Tomorrow I leave for a week-long vacation to visit an old high school friend and an old college friend. They're both divorced, so I plan on lots of bachelor commiseration. And alcohol.

Not Good For Me

Tennis may be really good for me, but Tennis Girl is not good for me.

We played last night, and the tennis was great, awesome, amazing. We played for two hours and had lots of great fun points. I didn't even mind losing to her, because I felt like I played really well. She's just a better player. On the tennis court, we're great together, which makes it so much more tantalizing to take our relationship off the court.

But I know that chasing after her affections will be an exercise in frustration and madness. I analyze and over-think every one of her actions, trying to decide if it means she's interested or not. Whenever I've convinced myself that she's giving me a clear signal of interest, she does something to negate it. I could list all the evidence for and against, but the problem isn't the evidence, but the game itself. By playing this game of calculating her interest, I'm giving her power over my moods. I'm elated when I feel like there's a chance, and crushed when I feel like there's not. I've played this game a hundred times before, and I know what an emotional meat grinder it is. And I'm too old to be going through it again.

I get the feeling she has a way of making everyone feel special. She hangs out in the tennis center lobby with us guys after tennis, clearly enjoying our company, but I can't tell if there's a particular one of us she's after or she just likes the attention from all of us. Or she can't stand to be alone. Or she's giving me hints and I'm not picking up on them. Or...or...or. This is the game that drives me crazy.

For my own sanity, I need to let this go. Why is that so hard? What do I really want from her? Sex? Love? Affection? Do I just want to feel wanted? Is it the challenge of getting a cute young lady to like me? Part of me knows that we wouldn't even be a very good match. So why do I continue to pursue this?

One of my favorite lines from the movie Juno is when the Jason Bateman character, who makes a move on the pregnant teenager who's letting him and his wife adopt her baby, realizes his mistake and says, "Oh, what a fool I've been." Not that I think I'm being as inappropriate as him, but that sentiment sums up 90% of the unrequited crushes I've had in my life. What a fool I was to think I had a chance.

Tennis Girl makes me feel like I'm back in high school, and that's not where I want to be.

Good For Me

My brother mentioned the other day how great tennis has been for me.

I'd never thought about it before, but he's absolutely right. Tennis has been my salvation. Not only does it get me out of the house, it gets me in good physical shape (and releases anti-depressant endorphins), it keeps my mind occupied, and it's been a great social outlet. I always need an obsession in my life, and tennis fills that role, keeping me away from other less healthy pursuits.

I've met lots of people playing tennis, and parlayed some of those acquaintances into various levels of friendship.

Yesterday I was in a deep funk all day, and I only came out of it when I met a friend for tennis after work. We only played for an hour, but we also talked about stuff and made plans to do something non-tennis-related this weekend. I came home from that in a much better mood.

Tonight I'm meeting Tennis Girl, the incredibly cute young lady who flirts with everyone, for some hot singles action. She's a very good player (much better than me) who will give me a great workout as I chase down her beautiful shots. So the tennis alone will be much fun. Lusting after her perfectly sculpted legs in her short tennis skirt will be an extra bonus.

I sorta kinda made a move on her a few weeks ago, and the result was that I decided that she was Definitely Not Interested in me. But since then she's been sending me mixed signals, which is to say she hasn't outright told me to chew on tin foil. At the very least, she really wants to play tennis with me, and has hinted that she wouldn't object to hanging out in a group social setting that doesn't involve tennis.

I'm still 80% sure she's not interested, but I've decided to treat this as an entertaining sitcom where sexual tension between two central characters is necessary to keep up audience interest. The sexual tension may only be one-sided, but that's okay for now. There's no reason for me to rush toward another rejection. I can take things slowly and just imagine that this is all part of the courtship process, while at the same time keeping a lookout for other possibilities.

This sitcom-courtship game may not be completely healthy, but I'll always have tennis to fall back on when it doesn't work out. Ah, my sweet, sweet tennis.

Possibilities

The good thing about having your life turn upside down like this is that it provides plenty of opportunities. It opens up possibilities that never existed before.

I can spread out in the bed. I can date lots of new people. I can go out with friends and not worry about when I have to be home. I can travel to other countries with little notice. I can throw loud parties. I can have ice cream for dinner. I can attend an orgy. I can host an orgy. I can join the Peace Corps.

I haven't done any of these things, but I could.

Neediness

I hate hate hate when I feel needy. I hate it hate it hate it.

You might guess that I'm feeling needy right now. I've been blogging and emailing like a madman, and although about half the people are responding, many others are not. And I obsess about the "nots." Have I overstepped my bounds? Do they not like me?

I found out yesterday that my commuting colleague will not be teaching on campus this summer, and since this is the last week of class, I'm going to be losing a good sounding board/social outlet until August.

The people at church who were supposed to be arranging a meeting between me and the wife are not telling me what's going on, even though it's been four fucking weeks since they first conceived of the meeting. I emailed one of them yesterday, but she hasn't responded. Meanwhile, the wife and I are meeting next week to divide up the last of our stuff.

A friend might be canceling plans to visit. I was really looking forward to it, and this news has really disappointed me.

I'm trying to join a mixed-doubles tennis league this summer, but the organizer hasn't responded to my last two emails. It's been over a week.

None of these things, by itself, should put me over the edge. I feel like I'm doing a good job of not depending on any one person, and yet the cumulative affect of all these disappointments, and a few others I feel too silly to even mention, makes me feel incredibly needy. And I hate it. Why can't I just focus on the people I can depend on?

Many of these situations will probably blow over, maybe even before the day's out. And then I'll feel embarrassed about my rant.

I don't remember ever being this needy when I was married. I felt secure because (I thought) I could always depend on my wife to be there.

Then she left me.

Hubris

Much of my concern about being divorced has to do with public shame. I never romanticized divorce or thought it would be cool to be single again. Divorce is a bad thing, and people who go through it are marked as having failed in their sacred vows. I know I'm not one to bandy the word "sacred" about, considering how cynical I am, but I guess there are some things that I get sentimental about.

I feel ashamed to have to admit to people that I'm divorced. Many people at my college don't know about my new marital status, and just last week someone said something about my wife. I didn't correct her, because I don't know her very well and didn't feel like announcing my personal failures to a group of near-strangers.

I never really thought this would happen to me. I thought I was better than that. Divorce may happen to other people, but I'm too smart and dedicated to let it happen to me. This is the third time in my life (that I can think of) when I let hubris convince me that I was immune to a human experience.

The first time was when I spent my Fulbright year in Germany. When my faculty adviser pulled the strings to get me the fellowship, he told me the that last Fulbright student he had done that for had disappointed him. This student stopped showing any interest in academic endeavors and just disappeared during his second semester. (It's easy to do this at a German university, where you can't flunk out.) I was convinced that wouldn't happen to me, but once I was exposed to the German university system, I did the same thing. I felt bad for letting down my adviser.

The second time was when I did my student teaching in graduate school. The teacher I was working with told me that the student teacher she'd had the year before just couldn't handle teaching in a high school. He was a nice guy, and he knew his subject matter, but the teaching was too much for him. I didn't hear this story as a cautionary tale, however. I thought, "Wow, he must not have been very good." Then I found out what teaching in a high school was really like, and I hated every moment of it. It turned out I couldn't hack it, either. I was no better than my predecessor.

And now I find myself in a similar situation. Having always pitied divorced people, but never having considered the possibility it could happen to me, now I am (or will be soon) one of those people.

So what's the lesson? "It Can't Happen To Me" is a nice illusion, but it always can happen to you. Or at least to me, anyway.

Divorce Menu

The wife emailed me this weekend to ask me which option for the divorce I want:

1. We execute the Marital Settlement Agreement now and file the official papers for divorce in September, after we've been separated six months.
2. We can get all of it over with now if we can both state publicly that we've lived "separate and apart" for six months, even if we weren't "in separate residences."
   

Regardless of the merits of getting a quick divorce or having to wait until September, I cannot bring myself to state publicly that we were separated during a period of time when I thought we had a happy marriage. I know it's only a technicality, but I absolutely cannot rewrite history in that way.

I told her as much, and she responded that she thought I'd feel that way. Then she asked if option #1 was okay. Oh, you mean the only remaining option? Sure, I "choose" that! I'm not sure exactly what it means, but I think she's asking, in a roundabout, legalese way, that we divide up our savings and officially turn over car registration, etc, now, even though we won't actually get legally divorced until September.

I guess this is fair, since she probably really needs her share of our savings right now. A mutual friend told me last weekend that her car broke down last week and she thinks she needs to get a new one. Although I've spent most of the last two months hoping bad things will happen to her, I do feel a slight twinge of concern for her over the terrible timing of her car trouble.

Since I'm the one who always took care of our bank accounts, I'll try to get her her share of the money soon. I'm just no good at true wrath.

Phantom Ring

Three times in the last week I've noticed something missing on my ring finger. For a split second, I panicked that I had lost my wedding ring.

Then I remembered that I don't wear my wedding ring anymore. I'm getting divorced. I haven't worn it in two months, and yet it's only been in the last week that I've had these phantom ring episodes.

I don't know why this would be happening now.

Cliche Alert!

When I think about how fast all of this has happened, how a mere three months ago I was a happily married man, sometimes I imagine that this whole thing has been a [cliche alert!] surreal dream that I'll wake up from any day now. How can I be getting divorced? Other people may get divorced, but we have a happy marriage!

The question is whether this weird dream started three months ago or 4.5 years ago. Did I imagine the entire relationship or just the part where the wife freaks out and leaves me?

Power Imbalance

As long as I'm being all gloomy this week, I'll post the following idea.

Most of my life seems to have been marked by a power imbalance between me and other people. In the majority of my relationships, I need them more than they need me. For example, my family members all have families of their own. I am not primary in their life.

When I'm pursuing a love interest, or just trying to make friends, that's another form of power imbalance. Ninety-five percent of the time, I'm more interested in them than they are in me. I'm sure there are people who are constantly having to fend off advances, and I'm sure that comes with its own set of problems, but I honestly can't relate to it. Or maybe other people are just as needy as me, they just hide it better. I do know that it seems that in the vast majority of my dealings with other people, I have to take the initiative. It would be so easy for me to live as a hermit-- just stop contacting people.

The only way I can take control of this depressing power imbalance is to distance myself from people. Tell myself that I don't need them. People who need people... are pathetic. I'm always proud of myself whenever I "get over" a crush; when I no longer desire that cute girl who's been driving me crazy for months. Even though I have no control over my desire, it feels empowering when that desire goes away.

But it was different when I was married. That was a relationship where I felt like we needed each other equally.

I guess my cats need me more than I need them, even though I'm pretty happy to have them around these days. So there's that.

Fast

The wife plans to move all of her stuff out this Sunday. She's already seen a lawyer who's starting the paperwork for the divorce. To people whom the wife told just a few weeks ago that this was merely a "trial separation," this must seem like a sudden development. One person at church, who's supposed to be arranging our last-chance meeting, told me she was surprised that the wife had mentioned divorce already last week. Where have you been? That news was so last month.

Our breakup has gone very fast, but I guess that's fitting. Our courtship was really fast, too. We were an instant couple as soon as we met in person, essentially moved in together after two months (the wife still had her apartment, but we "lived" at my place) and got engaged after six months. I guess we're just fast relationship movers.

When we first got together, it felt like I'd won the cosmic lottery. I couldn't believe I could be so lucky to have found someone so perfect for me. I thought that karma was finally rewarding me for years of rejection and relationship failure.

But the cosmic lottery also brought on panic. Now that I had found the perfect mate, I was terrified that something would come along and destroy it. I would drive home from work with plans to see the Wife, terrified that something tragic was going to happen like I'd get in a car accident or she would go down in a plane crash. The Catholic schoolboy in me still felt that I didn't deserve the kind of happiness the cosmic lottery was promising. In the vein of George Constanza, I was nagged by fears that Fate would never let something this great happen to me.

But all my worrying was silly. Nothing tragic happened and the cosmic lottery was real. But just like winning the real lottery, it didn't turn out to be the panacea I thought it would be.

During our courtship, I was happy for things to go so fast. Although the early, giddy phase of the relationship was thrilling, I was eager to get on to the more mundane, but more secure, "everyday relationship" phase where I could just be myself. (One married person once referred to this phase of the relationship as an "old comfortable shoe." I always liked that image.) Then my feelings of panic and fantasies of doom would go away. And they did.

All of that seems like a different lifetime now. It's a parallel universe-- one where my wife is loyal and happy and I feel secure and wanted. A bizarro world.

Now I'm not so eager for things to move fast. Even though we both know where this is headed, I'd like to put the brakes on. What's the rush? Divorce isn't a train that you're going to miss. It will still be there tomorrow, waiting to make you feel like a loser.

Paralysis

The wife emailed me on Tuesday to ask about getting the rest of her stuff this Sunday. I'm still waiting to hear about the church meeting, so I didn't respond.

The next day she saw a lawyer and emailed me about the divorce process. I still couldn't respond. I felt paralyzed by inaction. I'm not ready for this.

Last night I took some action: I walked to the grocery store and bought a bottle of Kahlua. I made myself a big glass of Kahlua and cream in my apartment. I called a friend. I moved everything off the bookshelf the wife wants so that she can take it on Sunday. I avoided incoming phone calls. Then I got drunk alone. On a school night.

This morning I took a mental health day from work. It hasn't really helped much.