Post Trip Stress Disorder

It's been forever since I posted, and I'm afraid it will be even longer before I can catch up on all my blog reading, web surfing, emailing, and facebooking.

In the past week I drove 2591.3 miles through 11 states. K was with me in seven of them. We saw every state in New England except for Maine and Rhode Island. We stayed in Vermont. We took four trips over the river to New Hampshire (only one was intentional, the other three times we were lost.) We met her sisters for lunch and ice cream in western Massachusetts. We shopped at a Target in Connecticut. (We also traveled through New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and New York.)

It was maybe the best vacation I've ever had. Without a doubt in the top five. It had all the ingredients of a great vacation: road trip, great food, beautiful scenery, good conversation, awesome traveling companion, much cuddling and other stuff, a little adventure to keep things interesting, lots of fun stories to tell, fun souvenirs, interesting pictures, and we learned some new things.

I have other blogs and outlets to talk about all the good things, but this blog is my therapy, so I have to mention the downside and analyze what's going on between me and K. I'm feeling a little let down and insecure this morning.

On the trip home from Vermont, we started talking about our next "date." She already booked plane tickets to see me next month, so that was already set. But I was hoping to visit her in July, since my college is closed on Fridays, and I have three-day weekends all summer long. (Yes, I know how incredibly spoiled I am. I don't take it for granted.) She said she didn't have any free time in July. It was upsetting because I have all the extra time that I want to take advantage of, and it seemed like she didn't want to make time for me. It feels like yet another relationship where a loved one doesn't have enough time for me. I'm a little brother-- I'm used to it-- but sometimes it gets me all whiny.

But that discussion lead to a more serious topic: The Future. Where is this relationship going? I told her my five-year plan; that I decided that I could be happy with us dating like we are for five years. After that, it would be reasonable to decide what to do. I expect we will have the discussion long before then, but I wanted to give myself license to not think about it. But here we were almost talking about it, only five months into the relationship.

I think she was impressed with my five-year plan-- that I could be that patient. But her reaction seemed to have an undercurrent of relief, like, "Oh, great, I don't have to break up with you yet." An email she sent me since that conversation has reinforced that. She said that she is afraid that conversation may lead to us breaking up, and she doesn't want to hurt me.

Don't get me wrong. She's definitely into me. A lot. I bought her a stuffed moose at the Ben & Jerry's factory gift shop in Vermont, and all weekend she kept saying, "You bought me a moose!" She enjoyed our vacation as much as I did. She likes all the couple-y things we do. Not to get all ungentlemanly, but she really likes the physical aspect of our relationship. She carries a picture of the two of us around in her wallet. She wanted her sisters to meet me. Twice during my drive home she texted that she missed me. Sometimes I think she likes me more than she wants to. If actions speak louder than words, then she's definitely shown me how much she wants to be with me. She just seems to hold back on certain, specific romantic things. I keep having that cliche in my head, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." She's never said this, but I wonder if that's what she's thinking.

From my end, she continues to show how perfect she is for me. She's fun and smart and great to talk to. She is patient and direct. She tells me when she likes or doesn't like something. And she's forgiving if I do something she doesn't like. She makes me want to be a better person. I'm more patient around her. I find myself considering her needs more than my own. She's a good influence on me: she inspires me to be more open-minded, to volunteer, and to eat better. All this wrapped up the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my hands on. She's so perfect it's almost not fair.

Well, what's not fair is that it's not entirely mutual. I think she's jealous of the way I adore her. She wants to adore someone like that. I don't quite understand it, because we seem to fit together so well in every aspect of our romance, and she seems to enjoy it all. (See above, re: actions speak louder than words.) So now I'm paranoid that she's only thinking of me as her starter boyfriend. A few months ago I suggested this to her, and she said, no, she didn't want that. If she thought this was temporary, she wouldn't pursue it. So I don't know where that leaves us.

It leaves me a little insecure. But with the memories of an awesome vacation. We'll always have Vermont!

Busy Busy

I've been neglectful of my blog lately. I have a lot going on, and I also don't really have a whole lot to blog about. Things are generally good and uneventful. [Knock on wood.]

I had a solitary Friday and Saturday night, stayed home with the cats. I don't remember exactly what I did, but somehow I passed the time without getting down.

Starting Sunday night, I have plans five out of six nights this week. I don't even know when I'll have time to talk to K, but I'm sure we'll squeeze something in. I have four more days of work before the end of the semester. And I actually have a lot of work work to get done before my vacation. That doesn't leave a whole lot of time for blogging.

Starting Friday, I'll have five days off at home. I'll spend those five days running errands, working on house stuff, and preparing for my road trip with K. I leave for K-tropolis next Wednesday, and then we head to the green mountains of Vermont on Thursday.

K had the fantastic idea that we each make a music mix and share them with each other during the drive. So one of my projects this weekend was working on a Vermont! mix CD. I kind of went overboard and made two CDs. But I think that's a bit much, and I'm trying to condense them into one mix of only the very best songs. (Just like with writing, sometimes less is more.) But it's really hard deciding which songs make the cut and which ones don't. I'm so attached to all of them! This is the kind of thing that passes for stress in my life right now. Rough life, I know.

A tiny sample:

Holiday, Jimmy Buffett
Sound of Your Voice, Barenaked Ladies
Thunder Road, Bruce Springsteen
New England, Jonathan Richman
Afternoon Delight, Starland Vocal Band (Courtesy of a Sounds of the 70's CD I ripped from the libary)

And many many more that I can't remember right now.

Altered Memories

Four related ideas have converged in my head recently.

1. Many single friends have discussed the issue of whether, when you start dating someone, you're supposed to know immediately that they're The One. Some people argue that if you don't feel it immediately-- if you have any doubts at all-- then it's just not going to work. "You just KNOW" is their mantra. I, personally, happen to think this is bullshit. Lots of people hem and haw and fret and worry about whether someone is right for them, especially at the beginning, but then realize later that they are, indeed, The One.



2. Dan Savage agrees with me. I read this in his column yesterday:



The way many people in long-term relationships talk about their relationships—the way I sometimes talk about mine—can do a real disservice to the single and/or dating. The further the early stages of an LTR recede into the past, the likelier the coupled are to blithely toss off bullshit like “Oh, I knew the minute I met him/her that he/she was the one. I was sure.” In reality, of course, we didn’t know, we weren’t sure, we had doubts, insecurities, issues, etc.

Truth is, no one in a successful LTR knew for sure that it was true and lasting love until it lasted. And after the passage of time proves that we bet on the right person, we stuff those early doubts, insecurities, and issues down the ol’ memory hole and start telling people how “sure” we were right from the start. (For the record: There are lots of smug married people out there yammering on about how “sure” they were right from the start who have divorce proceedings in their futures.)

Anyway: There are too many smugly coupled-up people out there paying our partners—and ourselves—the false compliment of a backdated certainty. And that would be fine if single people within earshot weren’t forced to listen to our smug bullshit, some of whom go home thinking, “Well, this person I’m seeing—this person I enjoy spending time with, this person I miss terribly when we’re apart—she must not be ‘the one’ because… I’m not sure.”



3. A book I read recently talks about how malleable our memories are. Numerous studies show that memories are not reliable-- that false memories can easily be planted in people and that memories of real events can change over time. In fact, the more often you bring up a memory, the more likely you are to change it. That's how we go from having a first date that lasted 1.5 hours to one that lasted five hours. Every time we tell the story, the date gets a little longer.
   
   This same book talks about confirmation bias, and how we tend to only notice things that confirm our theories and ignore ones that dispute them. So if you really like someone, you remember all the nice things they do, but gloss over the times when they act like an asshat. On the flip side, after you break up and you decide they really are an asshat, you tend to focus on examples of that, and gloss over all the times they were nice.




4. Back when SnarkEx left me, I could already see her rewriting history. She said that our breakup was a "long time coming." Oh, really? That was news to me! I guess her telling me that she was happy to be married to me had thrown me off. She also told me that when we first started dating, she thought that we were going too fast. Again: News. To. Me. (She was the one who kept whining about having a cold ring finger.) I think what she was doing was altering her memories, focusing on her initial doubts and ignoring all the good feelings she had. She's only human, after all.
   
   And I do the same thing. Now that we're divorced, I think about all the ways we were wrong for each other. I focus on the negative, because I want to confirm that we really were wrong for each other. And I gloss over the good parts. She really wasn't that great, was she? How could I have been so blind? Because I'm human, too.
   

No More Therapy (For Now)

I had to squeeze in my therapy appointment on Saturday between a four-hour phone call with K, running errands, and mowing my lawn.

Ten minutes into the session I realized I had nothing to talk about, and thought of just saying, "Could we stop now?" But I'd already made the appointment and figured since my therapist had to be at work on a Saturday, I could at least make it worth his while. So I slogged through it.

It was mostly like meeting a friend for coffee, where I told him about all the stuff in my life that's going well. I tried to think of issues that were bothering me, but I had nothing. He did a lot more talking than usual, sharing his own examples of how he deals with people and relationships.

I'm definitely over the insecure phase with K. This relationship has cleared the runway and is safely off the ground. She's proven to me that she's committed to dating and spending time with me. I still get moments of insecurity, but they're very short and it's much easier now to beat them back.

Yesterday I played outdoor tennis for the first time this year. I'm really looking forward to the next four months: outdoor tennis, warm weather, home projects, easier work schedule, lots of vacation time, longer visits with K.

At the end of the session on Saturday I didn't make another appointment. For the first time in almost two years, I don't have a therapy appointment on my calendar. I know this is sudden and impulsive, considering it was only two weeks ago that I needed an emergency session. But if things get bad again, I can always call him. For now I'm not feeling the need. I'm taking off the training wheels.