Alone Attacks

About an hour into my tennis workout this morning I had a very strange sensation. One that I never have on the tennis court. I didn't want to be there. I muddled through the second hour of the workout, but I was just going through the motions. I had no energy, no motivation. I was done.

Something is wrong with me, I thought.

It was the second time in the past day that I'd had that feeling. Lately I've been having "alone attacks." Even though I'm having just as much contact with people as I usually do, I've been feeling all alone in this world. Like all my relationships are superficial and tenuous. They could go away at any time.

This is not the reality. I have plenty of people who care about me and that I can depend on. But my perception was that I had no one, and that's what worries me.

It seems that the only time I'm energized these days is when I'm blogging, emailing, or facebooking. Maybe I'm addicted to the internet? And not in a good way?

I didn't have a good day. There was the tennis thing, and then I tried adding insulation to my attic. I have no idea what I'm doing, and after a frustrating hour I gave up, having only used one of the three rolls I bought. This just reinforced my loneliness, since the insulation problem is mine alone.

I was also worried that I'm coming on too strong with K, sending her emails that are too long and too frequent and she won't be able to sustain our correspondence. I'll get on her nerves or burden her too much. I spent some of the day drafting a "confession" to her about my feelings. (You know, all the love stuff, although I wouldn't dare use that word with her.) I'll probably sit on it for a while, wait for the right time to send it. My alone attack had me convinced that not only was I misinterpreting her romantic interest, but that maybe I was even overestimating our friendship. Maybe it wasn't as valuable to her as it is to me.

I made a last-ditch effort with Dimple today, texting her about going out tonight. Her short response didn't answer my question, and she never responded after that. I'm fine with not seeing her, but I'm a little embarrassed at having her blow me off like that.

It's time to close the Dimple file.

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At the last minute, I was able to spend an enjoyable evening with my brother's family, which helped, but I was still sort of in a funk when I came home. I needed my internet fix. While I was out with my family, K had sent me a huge-ass email! That was the second Saturday evening in a row she had "spent" with me. She said she'd looked for me on Facebook, to chat, but I wasn't there.

I also got an unsolicited response from someone on my new dating site. She's no K or anything, but it looks mildly promising. Worth finding out more. It's nice to have someone contact me for a change. On dating sites, usually I'm the one who reaches out, and I'm the one left hanging without a response.

So I sent her a quick message. We'll see. This is probably not helping my internet addiction, but I am feeling energized again. Just in time to go to bed.

Good night, blog.