Turtle With Tentacles

Every once in a while I overextend. I reveal too much of myself and worry that I've overexposed myself. I feel naked and vulnerable, embarrassed that I'm such an open person. All these various tentacles that I have- reaching out to all the people in my life-- I have to pull them back in. Like a turtle hiding his limbs into his shell.

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It's been a rough week. I feel like I'm coming down from the hyperactive social life I've had the past month or so. And I'm crashing hard. Last night I played tennis, but it wasn't as thrilling as it used to be. Somehow, ever since I broke my clavicle, I haven't been able to get the magic back with my tennis. It's almost like I'm going through the same thing I did when I got divorced. I love something, I get burned by it, and when I come back to it I'm just not as enthusiastic.

Midweek I decided to stop pursuing Dimple-- it just seems like our schedules don't match up and I know in my heart of hearts that we're not very compatible. Hanging out with her might be a good diversion, but it's not worth endless effort trying to find a time to go out. If she wants to follow-up on it, I might be receptive, but I'm going to stop actively pursuing it.

That was Wednesday. Now I'm wavering and considering trying one more time to see what she's up to this weekend. Mostly because I don't have anything else going on, and hey, it's (potentially) something to do.

I also met a new dating site that looks promising. It's a quirky site that seems to attract a lot of other quirky people like me. The way the site is organized and worded appeals to me. It's funny to be attracted to an entire site, but I think I have a crush on it.

And there was an ad that stood out to me. So like I've done a dozen times over the past year+, an ad on a dating site inspired me to join it. I gussied up my own profile and then sent her a message. According to the site, this girl "replies often." I took that to mean that she wouldn't blow me off like all the others do. But I was wrong. It's been three days (an eternity in the online dating world) and she has not responded. It seemed like we had a lot in common.

SIGH. I wish I knew what it is about my profile that makes so many women ignore me. My first thought is that I'm either a.) too old, or b.) too short. But maybe there's something more substantial about me that they don't like. I don't know.

This particular site rates your matches based on questions you answer. The questions are designed to determine your values, temperament, and personality and then it compares you with others. So, for example, the girl whose ad inspired me to join is an 80% match for me (and 13% "enemy", whatever that means.) One of the people who is one of my highest matches (89% match, 0% enemy) is someone I knew from library school. She keeps showing up on several local dating sites. Based on our profiles, we would be a really good match. But I know this woman. She has a really abrasive personality and I would never want to date her. In library school she really got on my nerves. It just goes to show how you can't judge someone (entirely) based on their online profile.

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I was trying to explain to a friend the other day what I meant about my fear of sustainability. How I'm not sure how long I can sustain a happy single life. On paper, there's no reason why I couldn't sustain an active social life with a large group of friends. It some ways that might even be healthier than depending on a few people for everything.

I had a few more thoughts on this issue this week. One is that, although I may be happy with this arrangement, my single friends are going to meet people and pair up. They will leave the single club and I will be left as the lone single person again. This doesn't mean I can't keep those people in my life, but it always changes the dynamics when someone leaves the club.

I'm also having trouble dealing with too many options. Although there may be four or five different people I could approach this weekend, I can't decide what to do with who. I've never been good at making decisions. And when you add more choices to the mix, it makes it that much tougher. Which of my friends have I not bugged lately? Should I ask out Dimple? Should I reply to another ad on the dating site? It's so hard to decide, and then there's the issue of (almost) always having to be the one to take the initiative. Sometimes I play social chicken with my friends. I will wait to see how long I can go before they contact me. I always lose at social chicken. Probably because the other person doesn't know we're playing.

It worries me how much I depend on Facebook, emails, and blogging to meet my social needs. I don't know how healthy that is. It's like living on McDonald's food, and I think I need something more substantial.

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My mood has been uneven lately, but I'm feeling a little better today. Starting to put my tentacles back out there again.