Support System Rotation

Tuesday evening I finally got the solitary evening alone that I'd been whining about for the past week. It didn't go well.

The evening started off with a (perhaps irrational) perceived rejection. I put out tentative feelers for a girl I play tennis with and who I'd like to get to know better. I think she let it be known that she's not interested, and gave me a few other cryptic pieces of information that I spent too much time obsessing about over their true meaning. (This is what I absolutely hate about dating.) I realize this may not have been the wisest move so soon after suffering such a profound abandonment from my wife, but that's a whole other story that I'll write about soon.

So real or not, I was feeling the sting of rejection, and felt like I needed to talk to someone about it. But who? Although I have a large support system, I frequently struggle with the decision of who to turn to at any given moment. I like to spread my neediness around, so that no one person starts to feel overworked. I don't want to call someone who I just bugged the day before. But there are many other factors to consider. Who already has some background information on the current crisis? Who will be sympathetic to that particular situation, and who won't be? Am I simply looking for a diversion or do I need to talk it out? Who's available right now?

While I was trying to decide who to call Tuesday evening, I got a call from the guy I commute to work with twice a week. We spend four hours a week together in the car, and I really enjoy his conversation. He's been a great listener during my marital crisis. But I was starting to get the feeling that I might have been overtaxing his listening skills lately. He called to tell me that, because of a scheduling conflict, he would not be able to commute with me on Wednesday. This felt like another blow, since I would have to go without an automatic source of support I'd become accustomed to.

I called a friend, but he was not available to talk. At that point I didn't know what to do with myself. I should have had dinner, but I wasn't hungry. I was going crazy and I wasn't sure why. I decided that I just needed to calm down and maybe it's best if I don't talk to anyone about this, because the more I talk about it, the more I'll obsess about it.

So I sat down with TiVo and let it distract me until I eventually regained my appetite. I had dinner and spent the evening in front of the TV, trying to ignore the empty space in the white chair where the wife used to sit and do cross-stitch.

I tend to approach emotional support the same way I handle money. I'm frugal and want to have plenty saved up for any crisis. I'm proud of myself when I'm able to get through something without requiring too much of it. And I was pleased I was able to get through my first evening alone without spending hardly any of my neediness capital.

Last night was the second such night in a row. I stayed home and didn't communicate with anyone all evening. It went by easier, helped by the fact that I was so tired I went to bed at 8:30. I imagine, as a divorced man, this is what my life will start to resemble more and more.