Yeah I knew love
Love knew me
And when I walked
Love walked with me
And I got no hate
And I got no pride
Well I got so much love
That I cannot hide
I used to listen to that song and think about my bitterness toward SnarkEx. Prine wishes his ex all the best (sort of), but I couldn't be as magnanimous as him.
But listening to that song this week gave me a different feeling. I focused on the love part. I've known love before and I still have more left to give.
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K, my Holy Grail of Hotness, has opened up some floodgates in me. I'm feeling stuff I haven't felt in a long time. I'm inspired and ready to love again. I want to make her happy. I want her to be my purpose. It's ridiculous and impulsive, I know, and I'll probably come down from it soon.
I'm not sure what to do with these feelings. I know they're not mutual, but part of me wants to just get it out there and tell her. Sometimes you just want to say some things out loud. Maybe she'll be flattered. Who wouldn't like a boost to their confidence like that? But what would it accomplish? These are just raw feelings. I don't even know if we'd even be a good match. I could get to know her better and find out she's not so great after all. She lives three states away. And she's a lesbian.
And yet, I wouldn't be feeling this way if I weren't getting vibes from her. They may be the wrong kind of vibes, but vibes nonetheless. On some level she likes me.
I've been down this road before. And it doesn't end well. I could try to convince myself that this time is different, but it's not. Each new unrequited crush might have some superficial differences from the others, but in the end it's the same pattern over and over again.
Here's the template: I meet a girl who I'm attracted to. We become friends. After months of scheming, I make a move. She rebukes me-- just wants to be friends. I give up on her, and after a cooling off period, we start hanging out again. Ironically, because she's comfortable that I won't hit on her again, she's able to open up and get close to me again. I mistake this as possible romantic interest. My crush grows back. I make a move again, this time more explicit. She rejects me again, this time more explicitly. It usually ends the friendship. For an example of this template, look at TennisGrrrl. I gave up on her last summer. Then in January she started paying attention to me again, and I spent an agonizing month trying to ask her out.
Why can't I be happy with the status quo? Why do I always have to push the envelope? K could be a very valuable friend, and I'm thinking about risking that...for what? For some overblown sense of "love"? I have never flipped a female friend into something more, so why do I think this time could be different?
With K, I'm not only up against the challenge of flipping a friend, there's the added Herculean (and politically incorrect) task of flipping a lesbian. It's like I'm playing basketball and can't make a free throw, so I decide to try a half-court shot instead.
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A wise woman once told me, "It's nice to have someone to think about." And it is. If I could just keep my stupid libido in check, maybe K could be a great friend, and serve as a distraction until I meet the next Love of My Life.
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