You ever get in a shower, maybe a shower you're not familiar with, and the water comes out way too hot? And so, in order to avoid scalding, you turn it quickly, and then it becomes way too cold? And it's a sensitive knob, so every little turn makes a huge difference in the temperature. You spend several uncomfortable minutes trying to get the temperature just right.
That's what my social life is like. It's either too much or too little. Too hot or too cold. I'm constantly trying to adjust the knob to get it just right.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I got a third snow day yesterday. Because I wasn't able to enjoy the first two properly, the Universe was generous and closed my college for a third day.
I was able to relax and enjoy my third snow day. At first. In the morning I got some writing done, shoveled my driveway (for the third time in two days), did some online correspondence.
But soon cabin fever crept in. After lunch I should have gone out and Done Something. Instead I took a nap. Over 72 hours I only left the house once, and that was to go on a coffee date with someone from Match. And I couldn't wait to get home from that. I was relieved to be home again and out of that entanglement, but my relief only lasted about half a day. Then it was back to my lonely miserable existence.
Now I'm back at work, and I suppose it's good to have my daily routine back. But I've only worked half a day and I'm already dreaming about being back home on my couch. Turning the shower knob...
*****
Online Dating Update: So I just sent a short "thanks, no thanks, good luck in your search" note to the lady from Wednesday. Thanks for all your input, everyone. I agree that it is the right thing to do, but I'm still annoyed that somehow this was MY responsibility. In general, I resent the fact that, as a man, or just a relatively assertive and open person, it always falls on me to initiate these kinds of things. Passivity is NOT a turn-on for me.
In talking with lots of women who have done online dating, I'm beginning to think that it's a completely different experience for women than for men. Or, at least, for a short nerdy man in a smallish Midwestern city. I hear of stories on illiterate idiots, of multiple dating opportunities every weekend, of inboxes filling up with dozens of messages. I don't get any of that. In the 10 years that I've been (off and on) online dating, only one woman has ever sent me an unsolicited message. That was AG, who I ended up dating for four months.
So far, I've sent five initial messages out. Only two have responded. Granted, for the other three I didn't match their geographic or age requirements, but you never know how strict people are with that. There was one that was absolutely perfect for me (adorable pics, intellectual, funny, smart clever writing, common interests) but I don't think I was her match (too old, too far away, possibly too short?)
Here's an interesting specimen: twice in her profile she used the phrase "open minded" to describe the man she's looking for, but in her About My Date section she wants a man who's between 5'8" - 6'2" (she's only 5'0"), was never married, doesn't have kids, but wants kids. (She's 40.) Maybe this is just her ideal and she's not that strict on these things, but it's just funny to me that someone who wants an "open minded" partner can be so particular herself. (As a short guy, it drives me absolutely batshit when very short women won't date someone only a few inches taller than them.) Despite all that, she's still in my favorites because she says some really interesting things, and I'm trying to stay "open-minded."
I've decided I'll write one new message a day until I get some more responses. Or until I exhaust my pool of favorites.
Currently I only have one active correspondent, a 38-year-old divorced childless restaurant manager who lives an hour away. She had a lot of interesting things on her profile that I was excited to respond to. The email rapport is definitely better than with the first lady from Wednesday. On paper we match up pretty well, but there are some things that give me pause. But I'm trying to stay open-minded til we meet in person. I asked her to a coffee date, but our schedules are such that it will be at least next weekend til we can meet, maybe later. But she's been consistent about emailing me, even just to say she doesn't have time now and will write more later. So I think she must be interested.
As I was writing this, I got a response from Wednesday coffee lady: an even shorter "thanks, good luck to you" response.
So I can close that file with a clear concience.
Who's next?
Peace At Any Price
1 year ago
10 comments:
Ya know, you make a good point...online dating IS different for men than women, however, I found I had to initiate conversation more than getting that many responses without first initiating. Weird? But I guess the pattern is just different for everyone. I dunno. Now I'm all curious about what everyone's online dating habits are like...who is the initiator mostly? IS it women or men?? (but glad you got back to coffee date woman anyway, right thing to do IMHO)
I love your analogies. They are so spot on. When I begin online dating, I usually initiate a lot more. Then I kind of get overwhelmed and only reply to those that initiate. I agree it's a completely different experience for men and women. I've heard that it's slim pickings from several different guys. I've never felt that way as a woman.
I just got word that my brother is dating a girl he met online. It's his first girlfriend since early high school (5 years ago). He's not an easy guy to get along with so once in awhile it works.
OK, from someone who was looking for someone at least 5'10", I can offer a little comfort (I hope) on the reason why. And no! It's not what you think, LOL.
I didn't dare date anyone shorter than 5'10" because I'll be damned if I date anyone who *weighs* less than I do. Seriously. I did recently lose 75lbs, but I'm not dainty girl. It would seriously injure my self-esteem to be the one who weighs more in a relationship.
As far as the conversations. O.M.G...
I would get emails on match that said, "hey there." and nothing more. WTF? Say *something for pissake!
And another one said nothing but, "soooooo perfect...." CREEPED.ME.OUT!!!
I think the hot/cold thing inspired Katy Perry as well. (kidding)
Lemme tell you, no one's blowing up my inbox. And I'm a girl. I've gotten plenty of creepy shit (you sure do have a pretty mouth type stuff)but very little that's promising. Only one, and I haven't even met up with him yet. I've sent out plenty of winks and a few messages with zero return on those. So yeah, I feel like a winner. And my photos are cute! Dammit! It's slim pickins for women who aren't...slim.
On dating shorter guys -- a potential "one who got away" was barely 5'8" -- he was probably shorter, but you can't hide hot. And he was. I just -- at 5'5" don't want to date someone who's shorter than I am, and I like wearing heels.
3 more days, and then my online dating account expires. I can't effing wait.
I hated online dating. What seems a little better is meetup.com -- at least I can do something fun and meet people not under the pretext of trying to "find" someone. Another friend of mine who is normally very shy and says he has two left feet started swing dancing and has been really loving how many people are in his same boat. He encouraged me to try it but right now I'm not sure. Although I did meet a loving couple last night who found eachother through one such venue 11 years ago.
Hi,
Like Misty, I want to shed light on the height thing. I am only five three, so I am short. But I always put five eight plus. But it isn't set in stone. The reason is, my weight issues. I hate being next to a guy and feeling "big" so I tend to be attracted to men who are tall and bigger framed.
Which is totally the opposite of my ex, who is 5'7" to 5'8" (depending on whether or not he exaggerated) and was very fit, so I felt very big and fat next to him.
Just wanted to throw that out there, even thought it was sort of a ramble.
The shower metaphor is good in a way -- it really shows how it feels to you for things outside your tolerance zone. And yet, things outside your tolerance zone are not really scalding or icy water, they are just outside what you want/your tolerance for things/your expecations, etc.
I think you would be happier if you spent less time trying to adjust the faucet knob, and more time increasing your tolerance zone so you don't feelt so hot or cold all the time. This is where the metaphor doesn't work -- you have more control over your life's tolerance zone than you do over your body's reaction to hot/cold water.
Ladies, I totally get not wanting to date someone shorter/lighter than you. But the women who drive me nuts are tiny and want a guy who's waaay taller than them. There's no way that a woman who's 5'0" and has an "average" build (which this particular one checked on her profile) weighs more than me.
But, whatever. Everyone has their hang-ups, and I have mine too. It just feels that, as a short man, my options are already way limited, and then to see them further limited by someone else's hangup is frustrating.
Dan, the metaphor isn't about tolerance. It's about moods. When I am too busy, I get overwhelmed. When I'm too solitary, I get depressed. Am I supposed to become more tolerant of feeling overwhelmed or depressed?
Thanks for your insights, everyone.
What a great analogy. I feel that way about my social life too. Balance is good.
Online dating sucks. Period. At least that was my take on it. Didn't like it at all. I just wanted a man who had brains, ya know? A man who could take care of himself. Sheesh.
Anyway, good luck, Snark.
So, perhaps "tolerance" is the wrong word, because it also has other meanings. But it seems that the biggest source of unhappiness in your life is that things are not exactly the way you want them to be. The thin line between too little and too much social time is just one example.
All I'm saying is that you might be happier if you worked on expanding that line between too much/too little rather than trying to make things land right on that line.
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