So I just had my first coffee date from Match.com.
It was a huge success, but not for the reason one might think.
My blogfriend Jolene once wrote about an online date meeting where she knew in the first 15 seconds there wasn't going to be a second date. Well, I met my Ms. 15 Seconds.
I could list all the reasons why I think she wasn't right for me-- some superficial, some significant-- but there's no need to do an autopsy on this one. She was a very nice person, and I wish her the best. I just didn't feel it. At all.
And to be honest, that's a huge relief. Ever since we set up the (sudden) coffee date today (because we both had a snow day), I'd been seriously stressing out. I didn't WANT to like her. I wasn't ready yet to give up on the other prospects I had. Something about her profile and our written rapport just didn't feel right, but I didn't want to be shallow and blow her off without giving her a chance.
But after meeting her, I can now honestly say that there was just no attraction there. And I came home in a great mood, happy to be returning to my regular life. Happy to be coming home single. Huh. How about that?
The only question that remains is how I should finish this. Do I owe her a message to say I don't think we had a connection? Or should I just let it die and let my silence speak? It could be that she felt the same way as me, in which case my rejection note would come across as presumptuous.
Anyway, I didn't realize how stressed this whole thing was making me until I met her. And now I'm so happy I did.
Peace At Any Price
1 year ago
11 comments:
Glad to hear that you walked away from this date feeling good about the outcome.
As for what to do about it, I'd just say do nothing. It was a single coffee date, after all. If she contacts you again, then you can use that opportunity to say that you just weren't feeling it. That's what I'd do if it were me.
Oh tough call, I am not good at this part, the whole "I am not into it but it was nice to meet you" part. Not sure how to proceed. Glad you got the first one out of the way though, I find it very nerve-wracking.
I don't recommend going the route I did with a potential Match(.com), which was just not calling when he called. Twice.
I agree with Momma Sunshine up there. Don't do anything. Maybe she wasn't feeling it either, and she won't bother contacting you again. But if she does, just tell her you're not into it.
(You can also tell her you've hooked up with someone else. A lie, perhaps, but still a way out.)
You know, so many people have blogs that have posts about how they were mistreated or how they mistreated someone else - the whole respect angle, communication that was never executed properly, how thoughts of what happened last night (or a week ago) are still streaming loosely in the air like ribbons that aren't tethered because of someone not communicating with someone else. All suppositions left open and the mind wanders rampant with incorrect assumptions.
How bummed are you that co-op girl still has not contacted you after putting yourself out there? And now you're actually thinking of doing the same thing to someone else despite what you've written about how you feel about not being told one way or the other? I don't get it.
Gentlemanly etiquette dictates that you at least write a simple and tasteful note to her profile saying something innocuous along the lines of 'I had a wonderful time at the coffee bar and I thank you for putting yourself out there just as I had. Good luck in your search.'
Something, anything is better then saying nothing at all. All I have to do is read the posts by many of the most frequently read women that we come across most often, some who comment more than others, to know what a sore spot is for them to have to wait, wait and wait some more, all the time speculating and wondering what it is that they did, or didn't, do wrong.
If she then writes back asking for a 'second cup of coffee', you can then politely refuse (if that's what you want).
Write a thank you. Not a proposal, but an acknowledgment of the event.
Ha! Ms. 15 seconds huh? Well, I am glad you saw it through, even though there was no connection. It happens, right?? I do however agree with MTFFH - do let her know you didn't feel a connection and wish her luck. At least that is what I would do because I HATE being on the receiving end of silence. There is no harm in a simple note of good luck, and then move on. I know it was 'just' a coffee date, but to me, that's just common courtesy. I have never been able to just ignore a message back if I am not interested any longer. My two cents!
Hi Snark - I totally agree with muchtoofarfromhome. The first time I did this online dating thing a couple years ago, I always closed a "no match" after a meeting with a polite note. Exactly what she said above -- "Thanks so much for taking the time to meet with me. Good luck in finding your match!" Everyone got the message loud and clear so there were no loose ends.
Muchtoofar, I don't think this situation is as much of a no-brainer as you make it out to be.
Yeah, Co-Op Girl could have handled it better, but I don't hold any grudges and that situation was different than this one. I explicitly asked her out to coffee and she never responded. Then she did respond, to say that she'd contact me, and then never did.
In the current situation, we spent an hour together, and at the end of it I said, "Thanks for meeting me." I didn't promise her anything beyond that. I didn't say, "We should do this again" or "I'll email you" or anything. It's not like she asked me something and I'm leaving her hanging.
Frankly, I find it offensive and annoying that, as the man, it's somehow my responsibility to wrap this up. She's an adult-- if she wants to know what's up, she can ask. If she does, I'll certainly do what everyone suggests and say I didn't feel a connection. I won't ignore her.
Wouldn't it seem presumptuous of me to assume she wants another date, and to say "no" before she even asks? I'm not saying that's how it is, and I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet, but it's a legitimate question.
Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts on this.
I had one date and realised straight away that I didn't want to see her again.
Sadly, it seemed that she didn't feel the same. At the end of the night she asked me when we could meet again and I said I'd send her a text to arrange something.
I didn't. She sent me a text calling me a, "cheating, rotten, snivelling coward!"
For all her faults at least she was perceptive!
Yeah, I'm not a fan of silence either. Though, some online dates I was HAPPY to not hear from. I agree, a small note saying 'thanks but no thanks.'
Keep on keepin' on, Snark!
I have to say I was also surprised that you didn't think you should send a thanks but no thanks (actually I liked the thanks, hope you find your match better)
I don't think it is your responsiblity because your a man but as a person who treats people the way they would want to be treated -maybe she should too, but as I tell my kids two wrongs don't make a right - the right thing to do is an acknowledgement I think and again, I love thanks for meeting me, hope you find your match
Yay for success! I was happy to hear this because it means that you aren't going to just settle. I love it. I agree that you should probably let her know. But of course by now you've probably taken care of it. Now wasn't that fun? ;-)
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