Uncertainty

I didn't want to blog today. I really didn't. I know I've been blogging like a fiend lately and I thought I could go one day without running to my blog like it's a security blanket. Since I've started "dating" again I was hoping my divorce issues would start to fade away and I wouldn't need this blog so much. Things are turning around. I'm getting on with my life.

Only I'm not. I started taking antidepressants two weeks ago, and it coincided with a lot of good new developments in my life. So it's impossible to know whether they're having any effect or not. They're not supposed to work this soon. But I am having side effects, the most obvious one being a pain in my abdomen that seems to be getting worse. My doctor advised me to stop taking them. So before the pills have even had a chance to work, I'm stopping them.

I've also been sleeping like crap and not eating much. (My weight is at an all-time low on my current bathroom scale. My body looks great-- for an old man.) I'm exhausted most of the time from a lack of sleep. I'm nervous and anxious a lot of the time. I don't know if these things are a side effect of the pills or just because I'm embroiled in a possible new relationship.

I'm afraid I'm not enjoying this "possible new relationship" very much. I imagine normal people have no problem going five days between the first and second date. They can relax and simply enjoy the (slow) process of getting to know someone new. I am not normal people.

There are too many mysteries surrounding TGTBT, and having to wait five days (or longer) to address them is killing me. Or she's just not giving me enough feedback to work with in the meantime. The feedback she is giving me is very positive and encouraging-- there's just not enough of it. Perhaps I'm just too clingy too early. (If I didn't like her so much, I probably wouldn't be stressing over this. Ironically, if I were less interested in her, I'd probably have a better chance at a normal relationship.) Whatever it is, I'm driving myself crazy with speculation. Is she dating other guys? Will she always be so stingy with communication, or is she just taking things slow? There are a million different scenarios that pass through my head-- some terrify me and some exhilarate me. But it's all just a guessing game. I hate uncertainty.

I'm hoping that the more I get to know her, the less my insecurities will torment me. With every new relationship, there is some threshold that I cross over where I'm no longer nervous about it; no longer in fear of it ending abruptly. I need to get it off the ground. In most of my relationships that has been very early on. I don't know if I'm capable of going slow, and that inability may doom this thing with TGTBT before it even starts.

I'm sure it would be easy to conclude from my remarks that I'm just not ready to date yet. But these are the same kinds of things I go through, more or less, whenever I start a relationship. If I'm not ready to date now, then I've never been ready. On the other hand, maybe my insecurities are heightened after having my wife leave me. But if that's the case, wouldn't the best solution be to get back on that horse as soon as possible? How will I feel more confident in a year than I do right now? Am I rationalizing? Probably.

Meanwhile, I feel bad about Homebuyer Girl. She sent me an email yesterday and I couldn't figure out how to let her know I just want to be friends. So I wrote her back, and in the course of the email I casually mentioned that I've started dating someone. Perhaps I am projecting way too much, but I hope she doesn't take it nearly as hard as I took the TG thing. Because I've been there, and I know how much it sucks.

I guess it's not enough that I stress about my own (potential) rejections, now I'm stressing about other people's. Is that empathy or just a rejection obsession?