Crazy Uncle Snark

Part Three of My Mini-Series: Discussions on Eat, Pray, Love.

I must have been in high school when I casually mentioned to my dad, in a fit of whiny self-pity, that I would probably never get married.

His response seemed inappropriately forceful. He said, "You're not going to be like Uncle Joe!" He wasn't offering optimistic support, it was an order. You will not end up like him, young man!

Uncle Joe is my grandma's youngest brother. He never married and has lived alone, as far as I know, my entire life. When I was growing up he would come to all of our family gatherings and hang out with us, his older sister's progeny, kind of like a grandparent addendum. He always looked the same age: old and frail. He seemed the same at 40 as he did at 70. The story was that he had had an operation in middle-age and never really got over it. I always felt like he must be so lonely, although he was very nice and agreeable and never displayed any melancholy or bitterness around us.

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Liz Gilbert writes in her book about the roles we play in our family. She talks about generations, and how we transition from child to young adult to parent to grandparent. Each group has an easily identifiable place to sit at holiday gatherings. But what happens if you don't follow that path, get divorced and don't have children? What's your role when you don't fit into one of those nice little boxes? She worries about becoming Crazy Aunt Liz.

I have fantasies where I imagine my nieces and nephews in the future. They're in college, or in their 20's, and they're telling a new lover or friend all about their family. They say, "Yeah, my Uncle Snark, he's kinda...weird. He was married once but his wife left him, and since then he's had lots of problems. He never got over it."

The fantasy itself is pretty narcissistic, to think that I'd be the subject of their conversation. But the fact that I imagine it at all shows that I'm aware of my transition from the clingy little brother to the crazy old uncle. I don't want to be the crazy version of Uncle Joe.