Molested

When K asked me what my blog name was for my second cat, I had to admit that I didn't have a good pseudonym for him. The few times I blogged about him, I just used the unoriginal Newkitty. But he's not new anymore, and I pride myself on my sometimes creative blog names. He needs a new name.

Lately he's developed this habit of kneading me when I lay down. He'll climb on top of me and massage my abdomen, with all four paws, like I'm his own personal yoga mat. Most cats only do this for a short while before they settle down, but he can do it for hours. The kneading can get painful, especially when he gets near my manparts. Sometimes I have to kick him off me, because I'm not in the mood to be tenderized. When he first started doing it, last spring, it seemed like he was making motions like he was about to "do his business." I was worried that he was about to pee on me. I noticed it felt really warm where his crotch area met my shirt, but every time I checked, I was dry. Must have been my imagination, I thought.

K gave me some advice of what I could call him on my blog. She suggested Testical-Kneader, which made me laugh, and would abbreviate well to TK. But she also likes the "butt" theme, so maybe Kneaderbutt would work. Yeah, I'll go with Kneaderbutt.

Our relationship reached a brand new level the other day. A terrifying one.

Right after I had shooed Kneaderbutt off my lap because he was kneading too hard, he sat on the floor and licked himself. He legs were spread. Sprouting up from all that thick black fur was an angry red pencil eraser with a pointy tip. My cat had a hard-on! I'd never seen that before and it disturbed me greatly. (He's neutered, so I didn't even know that could happen!) Is it his little red kitty erection that I've been feeling when he kneads me and it feels warm? Has my cat been molesting me this whole time?

Ewwwww.

You think you know someone, and all this time they've been using you for sexual gratification. I feel so... used.

Mug Shot of Sexual Predator

On the other hand, I wonder if I should be flattered. I mean, he doesn't do this with anyone else, and it took him about a year of living with me before he tried it. Who knows how long he was pining after my sweet, sweet abdomen?

I have been complaining lately that no one has a use for me. Now I know that Kneaderbutt has a very important use for me. In addition to providing food and shelter and love and cuddles to him, I'm also his sex toy.

Be careful what you ask for.