Just got back from my therapist's. I hadn't seen him since May 1. I had been thinking that maybe it was time for a little mental health tune-up, and then when this whole crisis with K started this week, I definitely needed my fix. So I made an appointment. When I called him, he said, "I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing." That was nice to hear.
The first 35 minutes of the session was a monologue of me updating him on all that's happened between me and K in the past 2.5 months. Vermont, super date weekend #6, my first angry. But that was all background info until we could get to the real issues: Our almost break, K's doubts, and my insecurities.
He was very helpful and made me feel a lot better. He's good at taming my fears and putting them into context. He said that our tense tent weekend didn't sound like a bad thing, and that it's good that we're "fighting" now. Learning how to deal with conflict is an important part of any relationship. He sees it as a sign that we're entering a new phase. He also said it doesn't sound like K really wants to break up with me, but that our new intimacy is giving her cold feet. (He thinks, from what I've told him, that she's fundamentally more loyal than SnarkEx was. I agree with him.) This theory was supported by the fact that all the troubles started on a weekend when she was at a wedding. K told me that the bride & groom's story was much like ours: dated in college briefly, went their separate ways, reconnected from halfway across the country, had a long-distance courtship, and now were getting married. In retrospect, I could see that freaking her out.
I appreciate that my therapist was able to see a pattern that I hadn't seen.
When I woke up this morning I thought about the parallels between our almost breakup and my marriage. When SnarkEx threatened to leave, I didn't fight too hard to keep her. I was angry and hurt, but maybe some part of me knew that we weren't right for each other. So I let her go without a fight. But with K I decided that I'm not going to let her go so easily. If she tries to dump me, I'm going to make it very hard for her.
I told this to my therapist, and then wondered if that would be too manipulative or cynical of me. But that's not where this is coming from, it's from a sincere belief that she'll be making a mistake. If she were truly unhappy, and this relationship were unhealthy for her or me, I would not stand in her way. But I'm not going to let her leave because she's scared. My therapist brought up a great phrase. He said she has to "earn herself out of the relationship." (He sheepishly admitted he got that from Dr. Phil.) We've been together long enough that she at least owes that to me. I really like that idea, and it fits well with my plan to make it really hard for her to leave me. I'm going to fight for her.
Peace At Any Price
1 year ago
5 comments:
Oh that Dr. Phil. Sometimes he's got some good ones under his hat. :)
I do think it's good to know what you want and to go for it.
And YAY for therapy. It's always good to have an outsider's perspective. They're great at helping us see things in a way that might not have recognized on our own. :)
I like it! It's not every day that you hear a man say (or write) that he's going to fight for something/someone. Very refreshing!
Yep. That's what my Rascal has done for me. He's said the same thing to me... that he wouldn't let me go unless he could see that our relationship was truly a hurtful thing to me - meaning that the distance is too painful or one of us wants more than the other is willing to give.
There is something to be said for a man who wants to fight for you. It is nice to feel worth it. :)
Such a brilliant concept. I've been going through similar issues with my lovely lady. I wish you all the best and if you don't mind I'll be popping by to see how it is all going.
Thanks, all, for your wise advance and encouragement. T, I'm sure your comment from a few weeks ago about Rascal not letting you use the breakup threat (what I call the "nuclear option") influenced my thinking on this.
Welcome, Spencer. Anyone with a blog titled "Donkey Trousers" is welcome here! I look forward to reading more about your hot deposits and withdrawals with the Polish Swetlana, who may or may not be your bank teller. Very funny.
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