The Public Face Returns

Last year I struggled a lot with what I called the public face of divorce: how to tell people, especially casual acquaintances, that I was getting divorced. People would ask about my wife and then I'd hem and haw and admit, sheepishly, that we were separated. There was even a surreal conversation with my six-year-old niece.

I thought this issue was behind me, but every once in a while it jumps up and bites me.

Last night I attended a social event for all the tennis players in the area. One of the guys there was Fahad, who I hadn't seen since last September. AwesomeGirlfriend and I both know Fahad in different contexts: I played tennis with him and he was a professor of hers. (It was one of those conversations where she says, "I studied Blah." And I say, "Oh, do you know Fahad? He's a professor of Blah." And she says, "Yeah, I took a class with him! He's great!")

So when I saw him, I thought of his connection to my new girlfriend, and the first thing I blurted out was, "Hey, I know someone who knows you! AG? She was a student of yours?"

"And how do you know AG?" he asked.

"I'm dating her!"

It was at this point that I realized I walked right into an awkward moment, because the last time I'd talked to Fahad about anything outside of tennis, I was still married. It was a new spin on an old dilemma: how do I talk about my new girlfriend to someone who doesn't even know I'm divorced?

I hoped he wouldn't remember that I had been married. But he did, because he said something like, "Oh, when did you separate from your wife?" D'oh!!

Over the past year I've had a lot of time to polish a stock answer to this, so I said, "Last year...It was a rough year. I don't recommend it." It's my breezy way of saying that divorce is hard, without getting all weepy and melodramatic.

He asked me if getting divorced is what led to my improvement in play last fall, when I won the 'C' league. He's a very competitive tennis player and I could see him considering divorce if it improved his game.

I said that winning the league was the one bright spot of the year, and then added that I don't recommend divorce, even if it makes you a better player. I don't want to be responsible for breaking up his marriage.