Storms

There seems to be an inordinate amount of thunderstorms in the Midwest this summer. I don't know if I just notice them more this year because I live alone and I'm more focused on the weather (because it affects my activities) or if there really are more storms.

Every few days there's a knock-down, drag out battle among the meteorological elements. It scares the cats and keeps me awake. It has soaked my carpet when I left the windows open and made me turn on the air conditioning (because I had to close the windows) when it's only 70 degrees out. And, of course, it has affected my plans when I was supposed to play tennis or wanted to go out and do things. Last night, for example, I went for a walk, intending to forage for food at the strip mall near my apartment. But the rain came and forced me back inside. I thought of ordering pizza, but the downpour was so extreme that I would feel guilty for making the delivery person stand out in it. So I had a frozen dinner instead.

My internal weather this season has been just as extreme as the outside. I can have a few good days, but then psychological clouds will blow in and shake everything up.

Yesterday afternoon was such an event. I had a pretty good morning, but early afternoon I had an insignificant interaction that precipitated a bad internal storm. The weather outside was beautiful and I had lots of plans and options for spending the afternoon. But I couldn't do anything. I locked myself in an emotional storm cellar and shut off the world.

It was a crisis that normally would require me to reach out to someone, but I was so terrified of reaching out and finding no one available that I went in the opposite direction. I had to cut off the outside world. Usually, during such a crisis, I make a pro-active decision to do something: call someone, get out of the house, run errands, etc. This was the first time I did the opposite. I shut down-- completely abandoned all my previous options and chores. I played a computer game for a few hours then watched a bad movie on TV. It was a risky move, but it worked, at least for the time being.

I went out last night with some friends and got drunk. I hadn't had a drink in two weeks, so I thought it was about time. It was another one of those nights where I was out until 2:00 am. I've had more of those in the past few months that in the previous five years. They are often followed by a bad, internally storm day, and I think that's partly due to sleep deprivation. So this morning I forced myself to stay in bed until 10:00, so that I got at least eight hours in bed. I hope to get a nap in this afternoon.

This morning the weather is gorgeous, sunny and a dry 75 degrees. I've opened all the windows and there's a strong breeze blowing through the apartment.

My internal weather is average.