Bad Day

There was no external reason for me to be depressed yesterday. I didn't burn the toast at breakfast, I didn't spill juice on my favorite pants, my boss didn't yell at me, I didn't wreck my car, my cat didn't die, I didn't fight with anyone, I wasn't sick or injured, and it didn't rain. And yet I woke up in a dejected stupor and stayed that way pretty much all day. I sobbed on the way to work. I sat at my desk and avoided doing anything productive for eight hours. I reflected on my broken life and how everything seems to be going in the wrong direction. I dwelled on my rage toward my wife. I gave up my intention to email people about plans for this coming weekend. I'm just so tired of the relentless need to schedule my life. On the other hand, I know what happens when I don't schedule things. I stay at home, paralyzed by indecision, and contemplate Bad Things.

I have an overactive imagination, so it should come as no great shock that I've thought about "harming myself or others," as the therapists like to phrase it. The truth is I couldn't bring myself to take any steps in that direction, because that would require a level of motivation that I don't have right now. Fantasizing about it, sure, but actually getting off my ass and doing something about it? You know how much planning goes into something like that? Where would I do it? What method? How long would it be till someone found me? What would happen to my cats? What about my tennis team? And how would my family & friends take it? My wife is the only person worth offing myself for. I'd relish making her feel responsible, but I'd feel bad about everyone else.

And if I were motivated enough to make such a proactive decision, then I wouldn't really have a need for it. I only contemplate offing myself when I'm too distraught to even make the simplest decisions. I'll agonize over what to have for dinner. How could I possibly make the decision to "harm myself" in that condition? When I do have the energy to take such a proactive step, the need goes away. It's a paradox.

So I'll sit and stew in my own juices and wait for this mood to pass. It always has before. Sometimes as soon as I click the "publish post" button.

The tens of thousands of words I've written in this blog could probably be summed up with three words: Divorce is hard. It's no revolutionary idea, but it's good to keep in mind on days when I'm depressed for no obvious reason.