Hide The Crazy

I've had a rough week. Besides all the canceled plans that have tested my ability to act spontaneously, I've been depressed and unmotivated to get stuff done. I'm on vacation and I should be enjoying my leisure time. But there are things I wanted to get done during this time, most notably applying for a local job. And the pressure to accomplish that has tarnished all the time I spend doing otherwise fun stuff.

In addition to feeling unmotivated, I've felt crazy. Monday morning I was listening to music and suffered an attack of the sobs. I couldn't stop crying. This is all so hard. I'm trying to hang out with people and develop new friendships, but it's really hard to do that when I feel like I have to hide the crazy. No one wants to hang out with someone who freaks out when plans change or who keeps whining about being lonely. I have to be confident and fun. But I don't know if I have it in me right now. And it's near impossible to apply for a job in this condition.

So tomorrow is my last day of vacation and I've hardly accomplished anything on my list. I don't know if I'm depressed because I'm not getting anything done or if I can't get anything done because I'm depressed.