Parallels

I've had six love relationships in my adult life. Two of them dumped me. Two of them I dumped. And two of them ended mutually-ish. So there's balance there.

I like to think that the thing I've wanted more than anything in life is a fulfilling partnership, but I haven't always made that choice. I've been thinking a lot about my first serious girlfriend, J. I could have married her. We got along in a lot of ways. She turned me on, she loved me, she let me be who I was, we had similar values, my family liked her, she liked my family. (Some family members still say she was their favorite of all the women I dated.)

I broke up with her because I didn't think she was The One. I wasn't very nice to her, although I was probably nicer than most of the other guys she dated. My general attitude during the relationship was disapproval. I was always judging her.

Breaking up with her was one of the hardest things I ever did. So hard, in fact, that it took about 3-4 times to take. Every few months I would try to break up with her, and after a few days I couldn't take it and we'd get back together. I feel bad for what I put her through, and then after we broke up I blamed her for trying to date other guys. I was an asshole.

Well, Karma's a bitch.

There are so many parallels between my relationship with J and my relationship with K. Except now I'm in a different role.

J was my first love. I was K's first.

I broke J's heart because I didn't want her to be the only person I ever dated. I wanted to know what else was out there. K broke my heart for the same reason.

I often didn't like how I treated J. K felt bad about how she treated me.

I didn't understand why J let me treat her that way. K didn't understand how I could be happy with her.

I wasn't ready to settle down? K wasn't ready to settle down?

J made me feel loved and adored. I made K feel loved and adored.

Although I don't think the given reasons for why we're not compatible are the same in each situation, I think both J and me would agree that those reasons were not important. What bothered the dumper was not an issue for the dumpee. I don't know if J felt like I was her ideal, but I know K was mine. And it wasn't mutual.

These parallels bother me, because I would like to think that K and I had a greater connection than I did with J. But I could be wrong. From hindsight, I know that I was right in one way. I did find other woman who I felt I connected with more than J. Although she was very good, J wasn't the best match for me.

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There is potential for these parallels to play out even further.

J's first love was her high school sweetheart, a guy named M who she had a turbulent relationship with. She had a hard time breaking up with him, even though he treated her like shit. If I thought I was an asshole, I couldn't hold a candle to this guy.

Last year I met up with J on one of the weirdest days of my life (J is GF1 in that post). It was the first time we'd seen each other in nine years. In that time she had had three kids and gotten married. But she wasn't happily married and had just recently separated from her husband. I asked her about her husband, who I knew she dated when she lived out west for a few years. I assumed he was from there. He had the same name as M, but it's very common name.

But she told me she hadn't met her husband out west, that he was from her hometown. I put two and two together. "Is this M from high school?" I asked.

She sheepishly admitted that, yes, it was him. She was apologetic as she explained that she was very lonely when she lived out west, and she got back in contact with him. He moved out there to be with her, then they both moved back to their hometown. (About 100 miles from Snarkville.) Now, several years later, she decided it wasn't working and was leaving him. She was sad and sounded like she regretted a lot of her decisions.

This broke my heart. I felt so bad for her, for how things had turned out. She was such a sweet and giving person, she deserved better than M from high school. I also felt guilty for what I had done to her, and wondered if I was partly to blame for her situation.

She's divorced (or divorcing) now and lives about 100 miles away. I wonder, though, if I met someone just like her today, would I date her? Probably. Who knows if it would last, but I would definitely give it a chance. So why wouldn't I date her specifically? I mean, if I could get back in touch (we're FB friends), and if she were interested, would I try it again? I'm tempted to say yes, but I probably couldn't go through with it. I've already broken her heart. I don't think I could live with myself if I did it again.

I also have this fantasy of getting back with J, and later getting in touch with K, and replaying the same scene with different roles. I tell K sheepishly that I'm dating J, my first girlfriend, and K looks at me with pity and guilt.

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Maybe it's arrogant to assume J's life might have been better with me than with M. Maybe I'm just glorifying the past and she would have been just as unhappy with me. She could just as easily pity me for my situation. I also wonder what my life might have been if I'd stayed with her. Would it be better today? But it's an impossible game. That's not what happened, so it's useless to speculate on how things might have been. I couldn't imagine not having all the experiences I've had since then and I don't regret any of them. Even if it means I'm going through such a sucky time right now.

But back to the original question. If my only goal in life is really to find love, then why did I turn it down when I had it? There is a contradiction there. Maybe my thirst for love isn't as strong as I make it out to be. Maybe I'm a latent lovephobic. Or I'm just impossibly unrealistic in what I'm looking for. I'm not going to answer any of these questions today, but they're worth asking.