Night Light

One of the little mini-fights SnarkEx and I had on occasion was when she would forget to turn on the porch light in the winter.

From November to February every year I drive home in the dark. For three years SnarkEx and I rented a house that had a front porch light. Since she was home before I was, I would ask her to turn it on before I got home so that I didn't have to fumble with my keys in the dark trying to get the door open. She usually forgot. And I would ask her, again, "Could you please remember to turn on the porch light when it gets dark out?" (Like, when you turn on the lights inside the house.)

So maybe I was being high maintenance, but it wasn't just about the practicality of getting my key in the door. Having the porch light on sent the message, "Welcome Home!" I always made sure to turn on the light for her when she was out for the evening. So whenever I would come home to a dark door, it was depressing for two reasons: the darkness itself, and the message it sent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I bought my house, one of the few odds and ends that had been left in the house was a night light in a wall socket in the master bedroom. One of my (female) friends remarked, "Oh, how cute, there's a little night light!"

Being a grown-up man, and having not used a night light for almost 30 years, I moved it to the spare room. I don't need a night light! I thought, full of male bravado.

But I've noticed something about my house. It's very dark at night. Every other place I've ever lived has had street lights or parking lot lights or some other ambient light coming in through windows. This house doesn't have any of that. It's very dark. So that means that when I invariably have to get up and pee in the middle of the night, I have to make my way through the hall like a blind zombie until I can find the bathroom switch.

So last week I broke down and started using the night light in my bedroom. Now when I wake up in the middle of the night I'm not so disoriented. And I have to admit, the night light gives off a comforting glow. It makes me feel more secure. But I'm still, like, a man & shit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know what it is about my new house, but lately it's been giving off lonely vibes. I really like the house, and I love being a homeowner, but it feels lonely, way more lonely than my apartment did. I don't know if it's because I never lived there with anyone, or because I don't share walls with the neighbors, or because it's more space or darker or what. Maybe it's not the house at all, but external factors that have coincided with me moving in. I broke up with AG, I broke my clavicle and don't get out as much (to play tennis), I have dropped one of my best friends (and, predictably, he's made no effort to contact me), and I'm in the busy season at work and don't have as much social time.

Whatever it is, I've been feeling very lonely lately. I think I need a new best friend. I don't really have a best friend, not someone who's primary in my life. It's the same problem I've had most of my adult life: All of my friends have other people who take precedence. I am secondary in their lives. It's ironic to me that throughout our lives we have, in general, close friends who are of our same gender, but when we actually settle down and dedicate our life to another person, it's with someone of the opposite sex (assuming you're straight) who often doesn't share a lot of your hobbies/interests (assuming gender stereotypes.) And through it all, it's our same-gender friends who we go back to and lean on when things go bad with our primary relationship. So what's really most important: love or friendship? What can you really depend on?

I recently "friended" someone I knew from grad school on Facebook. (She's actually someone I went out with a few times, but she wasn't interested in me "in that way.") She's single, and according to her Facebook updates, she leads a fabulous single life. She's always going out of town to some music festival or camping trip, or doing activities like contra dancing and cooking class, and inviting friends over for dinner. Maybe she's not as happy and fulfilled as she presents herself on Facebook, but I envy her life. I envy how she seems to make being single work for her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's started getting colder in Snarktown. Fall is here, and the other night I turned on my (brand new!) furnace for the first time. Nights are getting cold and my morning alarm has started going off before the sun comes up. It will be March before I wake up to the sun on a workday again. I'm not looking forward to winter. I know how hard winter was for me last year, and I don't have any reason to believe this one will be much better. I really don't know how I'm going to get through it.

I think I'm going to need more than just a night light.