Thoughts on a Breakup

Any cat owner, especially one with an indoor/outdoor cat, will recognize the fact that cats HATE doors. If they're inside, they will clamor to be let out. As soon as they're out, they want to come back in.

I felt a little like a cat last night. For the past few weeks I've been feeling more and more like I had to break things off with AG. Although she was giving me all the space I needed, I still felt overwhelmed and boxed in by our relationship. Ironically, the relationship gave me enough confidence and independence to want to be by myself for a while.

Last night we broke up.

I didn't mean for it to go that far. I just wanted to bring up some of these issues and talk about them. Maybe take a first tentative step in the breakup process. But once we started talking, it kind of snowballed. I suggested we take a step back, maybe see each other less and not be exclusive, but she wasn't interested in that. Which I understand.

Breakups are so full of cliches. I need my space... It's not you, it's me... Let's still be friends... Can I ask out your sister? I used them all. (Well, except for the sister thing, since she doesn't have one, and her brother's not my type.) I told her that she is a great girlfriend-- that I have no complaints about her. I didn't want her to blame herself or think she could have done anything differently. I don't think she believed me. She will beat herself up about this, and it makes me feel awful.

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This morning I woke up feeling like crap. Omigod, What have I done? Like the cat who can't decide whether he wants to be in or out, suddenly all my yearning for independence evaporated. I don't want to be single! I was miserable when I was single!

To use another analogy, imagine a house that has an ugly, flimsy-looking pole running from the floor to the ceiling. The pole is kind of a nuisance and you decide to take it down. But once you do, the entire house collapses. It turns out, the pole was holding up the house.

I'd been feeling lately like AG was becoming less and less a part of my life. We'd see each other maybe twice a week, a few hours each time, and there wasn't much contact outside of that. Short emails, maybe two sentences long. So breaking up didn't seem like it would be that hard. But ten minutes after our conversation, I was already missing her presence in my life. All those solitary activities that I used to enjoy didn't really appeal to me.

There's a pit in my stomach, made up of one part guilt (for breaking her heart) and one part anxiety (that I've made a huge mistake.) Last night I was folding laundry and I came across a shirt she'd bought for me in New York. Shit, I thought. Perhaps this is just the typical fallout of any breakup. Maybe after a few weeks or so I'll be fine.

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The timing of this breakup is either terrible or great. I close on my new house on Thursday. A huge major life event and I have no one (primary) to share it with. The breakup has me feeling crappy during what should be one of the most exciting weeks of my life. I have all these house decisions I need to make, and I'm really not in the mood for it.

On the other hand, having her be there for this major event in my life, and then breaking up with her, would have been worse. Because then I would have all these memories of her in the new house. Plus, at this point I would just be using her. Which is not nice.

I do want to remain friends with her. All I want now is to gather friends. I'm tired of dating, of being part of a couple, of depending too heavily on one person. SnarkEx cured me of that. And I was always a little nervous that I was leaning too much on AG, even though it was definitely the most casual relationship I'd ever had. She gave me plenty of space, and it still wasn't enough.

I'm not sure what will happen next. I told her I still want to hang out with her. Go out to dinner, go to movies. Whatever she wants. I'll totally understand if she wants to cut me out completely. She said she needed some time to think about it.

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I realize the significance of my agony over breaking AG's heart. This must be, on a smaller scale, what SnarkEx went through when she left me. Except that I never made any commitments to AG, never broke a promise to her, and I hope I didn't lead her on. And this assumes that SnarkEx has feelings.