Be Single...Or Not

It's been almost two weeks since I made the decision to Be Single. I'm still trying to work out the details, but it basically means that I'm not actively looking to be in a relationship right now. I'm taking my time and enjoying not being tied down to anyone.

That's the theory, anyway.

In practical terms, my life is not any different than it was two weeks ago. I still have the same level of social activity that I had then. I still check the dating sites as often as I did (with no success) and I still scope out potential mates all around me. (Hey, I'm single, not dead!) I guess the only thing that's changed is my attitude. I'm trying to take mental advantage of whatever benefits there are to being single.

It's not easy. I fluctuate between the euphoria of possibilities, the despair of an uncertain future, and a general everyday sense of unease. Some people may really enjoy all the freedom and independence that comes from being single, but for me it's an uncomfortable sensation of free falling.

There's a myth about being single that you can do anything you want, come and go as you please, and you don't have to fit your schedule to anyone. That's certainly true-- if every activity you want to do is solitary. But if you want to involve other people in your activities, then you still have to coordinate schedules. And it's much harder to do that with people you don't live with.

There are things I can take advantage of as a single person that I couldn't when I was married. I can date around, stay out drinking til 5:00 am, go to a strip club, choose any vacation in the world. (I won't tell which of those activities I did last weekend.) I've only been to a strip club once in my life, the summer before I got married. From a purely physical point of view, it was an amazing experience-- one that I still look back on with fondness. (And by "fondness" I mean "erections.") But because I was in a relationship, I was a little iffy on the rules and didn't let myself go completely. I remember thinking, "If I were single, I would be all over this." Well, now I am single and can do whatever skeezy thing I want to. I don't have to answer to anyone.

But part of me wants to answer to someone. This Be Single initiative is only temporary. I don't plan to live the rest of my life like this. Ultimately, I want to find a significant relationship again. And when I do find that next relationship, will I be embarrassed or ashamed of my actions as a skeevy divorced man? Even though I'm single and theoretically free, I continue to hold back for fear of having to answer to a potential partner one day. (Notice I'm not looking for a "wife" but a "partner." I plan to steer clear of marriage for a long while. You know those guys who have a girlfriend for like 12 years but can't bring themselves to commit? I totally want to be one of those guys.)

It's a moot point, anyway. All of these things I tell myself I can do as a single person, all of these strategies I employ to Be Single-- they are all just diversions. Things to distract me from what I really want, which is to be primary in someone's life again. And I don't know why it's so wrong for me to acknowledge that. When I was single and in my twenties, one thing that always got my blood boiling was when people in relationships would tell me that I had to be happily single. People who have not spent a total of three months single in their entire adult life told me to be happy as a single person. That's like Sally Struthers lecturing starving Africans on how to enjoy fasting.

I've realized that if I'm going to make this Be Single thing work I'm going to need a larger support system. Now that there's no one who's primary in my life, I need a larger network of secondary people. But developing and maintaining such a network can be exhausting. I've always been more comfortable with a small network of intimate friends rather than a large passel of shallow acquaintances.

I suppose it was my dependence on a small network that made it worse when SnarkEx left me. It's ironic (or is it fitting?) that the person I depended on the most was the only one who let me down. In the end it was all those secondary relationships that I found I could count on, and the primary one who abandoned me.

This blog is all over the place. I'm trying to squeeze too many contrasting ideas into one post. Maybe instead of Be Single I should title it Be All Over the Place or even Be Single All Over the Place. But that doesn't look as good on an inspirational poster.